I started wondering last night / early this morning, why it is so difficult to let go slights. (Though sometimes, those slights really aren't so slight). I've been divorced 24 years. And I still somehow get drawn into bringing up stuff that led to my divorce. As if ... any of that stuff has anything to do with my life now.
Obviously, it's human nature to hold onto things like that. Probably some sort of survival thing. After all, if someone betrayed you back when we were living in caves and what not, it was kind of a matter of life and death. Not like now when a spouse repeatedly leaves the toilet seat up so you fall in when you sit. Worst that will happen is you get wet. Though, I suppose that could be rather risky too what with all those germs merrily skating around the porcelain.
Then ... there was the time I got carded on Nantucket Island when I was 40. OMG! What was that about?!? There is no way on earth I looked too young to be able to drink. But, the waiter heard me mention to the others in my group that I'd not brought my driver's license. Nantucket gets a rather large population of college age kids (many from Ireland, many from the US) who work in various service jobs during the summer. The ones from the US tend to be rather arrogant and pretentious. Oh, he most definitely had that attitude. Honestly, I really wasn't interested in drinking. I rarely do. Even when others in my group are drinking ... which was the case here. But it was his attitude, rudeness, and joy in denying me. Whatever. But ... obviously, it still burns me. Even though he's an old man in his 40s now. With luck ... still waiting on tables even. Um ... sorry about that! I hope he's had a long and successful life! (waiting tables for ungrateful and low tipping customers.)
One wouldn't think that second event would have the emotional impact of a breakdown in a relationship. But maybe it also is a betrayal of trust. Certainly not on the level of a spouse making little digs at you for years over sensitive things you'd shared, or ignoring your needs, or going a week without speaking to you to prove a point. Communication wasn't easy for me ... especially in a confrontational situation. But we all depend on each other treating each other with respect, if not kindness. When it doesn't happen, even over something as insignificant as being carded as an almost geriatric adult, well, you lose a little bit of your trust in people.
It's a lot of work for some of us to trust others. It doesn't come easily ... especially if you experienced trauma as a way too young child. More so if parents assumed you'd forget about that trauma ... as adults believed would be the case with young children.
Romantic relationships, friendships, business relationships, even that relationship between two people meeting once and never again. They all seem to be treated the same by our brains. I think it's even more basic than that Us vs Them tribal survival group thing. Which also causes no end of problems for us.
Some part of us seems to believe we need to hold that slight / hurt / lost of trust close to us and relive it each time something reminds us of it. If we don't hold on to it, and relive it in full detail each time something brushes against the memory ... will it happen again?
Far too many years ago (ok. So like 24ish years ago), I realized once you've lost significant trust in someone, it's over. Every little wrong piles up ... each one building on the previous. And then one day, the weight of all those slights, all those hurts, all those little trust hits becomes just too much. The scale tips. And it's irretrievably broken.
Obviously, it IS possible to let go. But I think it's harder in situations where you're constantly exposed to the other in ways that remind you of those negative events from the past. Especially, if the other is successful, and perhaps even profiting from the behavior that hurt you.
You know ... like guys with orange hair