@kobaltkween My apologies for not responding sooner. I'm doing my best not to bring anyone down. I try to post on this that. Give encouragement as I can.
However. When you are with someone that long, they become a part of you. So you feel as if you have lost a bit of yourself. I know that I feel like I lost not my better half but everything. This is how close we are. It has been 20 days and I can report I am still a mess. I am trying to clean up and reorganize but there are so many little reminders. I find myself still talking to her as I'm a crazy person. Just a few words like "I know I'm a screw up" but this time she isn't there to list the many reason I'm not a screwup. I still look at the door and know it's impossible for her to walk through it. I look on her spot on the couch and I see that after image of where she would sit and quietly rule our world. I can still burst into tears as if I'm weak. I still keep running into her secret stashes of Shower Gel! No wonder she always smelled so good! Oh I can go on, but I won't. I've ambushed too many people with my "Mary did this" stories. I'll try not to do that here. Geez did I just ramble? I apologize.
Instead, I'll say thank you to @mininessie @Terre @Alisa and @Pendraia so that we join in our group hug. I'll ask @kobaltkween to join us. For we all know what it's like when someone is missing. Forever.
Still talking to her is not crazy and who is to say she is not listening. I lost my grandfather when I was eighteen, which seems a lifetime away, we were close as he was an odd jobs man and as a youngster I spent many a summer holiday with him helping out and trying to learn. So many years on I still have the feeling he is looking down on me, particularly when doing DIY, and I find myself saying I know you could do better gramp.