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Just a few prayers...

Hornet3d

Renowned
@kobaltkween My apologies for not responding sooner. I'm doing my best not to bring anyone down. I try to post on this that. Give encouragement as I can.

However. When you are with someone that long, they become a part of you. So you feel as if you have lost a bit of yourself. I know that I feel like I lost not my better half but everything. This is how close we are. It has been 20 days and I can report I am still a mess. I am trying to clean up and reorganize but there are so many little reminders. I find myself still talking to her as I'm a crazy person. Just a few words like "I know I'm a screw up" but this time she isn't there to list the many reason I'm not a screwup. I still look at the door and know it's impossible for her to walk through it. I look on her spot on the couch and I see that after image of where she would sit and quietly rule our world. I can still burst into tears as if I'm weak. I still keep running into her secret stashes of Shower Gel! No wonder she always smelled so good! Oh I can go on, but I won't. I've ambushed too many people with my "Mary did this" stories. I'll try not to do that here. Geez did I just ramble? I apologize.

Instead, I'll say thank you to @mininessie @Terre @Alisa and @Pendraia so that we join in our group hug. I'll ask @kobaltkween to join us. For we all know what it's like when someone is missing. Forever.

Still talking to her is not crazy and who is to say she is not listening. I lost my grandfather when I was eighteen, which seems a lifetime away, we were close as he was an odd jobs man and as a youngster I spent many a summer holiday with him helping out and trying to learn. So many years on I still have the feeling he is looking down on me, particularly when doing DIY, and I find myself saying I know you could do better gramp.
 

kobaltkween

Brilliant
Contributing Artist
@kobaltkween My apologies for not responding sooner. I'm doing my best not to bring anyone down. I try to post on this that. Give encouragement as I can.

However. When you are with someone that long, they become a part of you. So you feel as if you have lost a bit of yourself. I know that I feel like I lost not my better half but everything. This is how close we are. It has been 20 days and I can report I am still a mess. I am trying to clean up and reorganize but there are so many little reminders. I find myself still talking to her as I'm a crazy person. Just a few words like "I know I'm a screw up" but this time she isn't there to list the many reason I'm not a screwup. I still look at the door and know it's impossible for her to walk through it. I look on her spot on the couch and I see that after image of where she would sit and quietly rule our world. I can still burst into tears as if I'm weak. I still keep running into her secret stashes of Shower Gel! No wonder she always smelled so good! Oh I can go on, but I won't. I've ambushed too many people with my "Mary did this" stories. I'll try not to do that here. Geez did I just ramble? I apologize.

Instead, I'll say thank you to @mininessie @Terre @Alisa and @Pendraia so that we join in our group hug. I'll ask @kobaltkween to join us. For we all know what it's like when someone is missing. Forever.
Please, tell all the stories you can. I want to hear whatever you have to tell.
 

David

Adventurous
Contributing Artist
I've been away for a while, so I just saw this. Rob, I'm sorry to hear this news. I don't know what to say. If I was there, I'd give you a great big hug. I've lost many people in my life (my family has grown very small). It never gets easier. You're not a screw up, man. One day at a time is such a cliche, but that's how life works. From one Baptist to another, you have my prayers and my love.
 

mininessie

Dances with Bees
Contributing Artist
Please feel free to tell us about her ...and as David said and as did your dear Mary...i'm sure you are not a screew up...will not be easy for you ,but here we will try to support you the best we can! :grouphug:
 

Glitterati3D

Dances with Bees
@kobaltkween My apologies for not responding sooner. I'm doing my best not to bring anyone down. I try to post on this that. Give encouragement as I can.

However. When you are with someone that long, they become a part of you. So you feel as if you have lost a bit of yourself. I know that I feel like I lost not my better half but everything. This is how close we are. It has been 20 days and I can report I am still a mess. I am trying to clean up and reorganize but there are so many little reminders. I find myself still talking to her as I'm a crazy person. Just a few words like "I know I'm a screw up" but this time she isn't there to list the many reason I'm not a screwup. I still look at the door and know it's impossible for her to walk through it. I look on her spot on the couch and I see that after image of where she would sit and quietly rule our world. I can still burst into tears as if I'm weak. I still keep running into her secret stashes of Shower Gel! No wonder she always smelled so good! Oh I can go on, but I won't. I've ambushed too many people with my "Mary did this" stories. I'll try not to do that here. Geez did I just ramble? I apologize.

Instead, I'll say thank you to @mininessie @Terre @Alisa and @Pendraia so that we join in our group hug. I'll ask @kobaltkween to join us. For we all know what it's like when someone is missing. Forever.

Aww, Rob, that's pretty normal. It took me about a year to stop turning a corner and expect to see him sitting there. And, I practically begged folks to come get some of his things because I just couldn't bear the thought of packing them up and putting them away. It was only resolved for me when I bought a house and had to pack to move. All his tools were donated to a local organization for men in rehab so that I didn't even have to go through them to decide what was useful and what was not. My nephew took his fishing gear. It just helped to know that someone would think of him when they used that fishing pole.

The hardest part for me was sleeping. My husband had a genetic heart condition known as a widow maker because there were just no warning signs. And, that's how it happened - he was walking across the room at 5AM and just went down. He hit his head on a table on the way and it never even bled because his heart had simply stopped. So, when I was sleeping and a cat would knock something off the counter, in my haze, it was that moment all over again and I would simply shoot out of bed like a rocket, trying to find him to perform CPR.

It takes time to get over the trauma, much less the pain. Be kind to yourself and know that it's OK - both to ramble and to refuse to do certain things like make decisions.
 

mininessie

Dances with Bees
Contributing Artist
Aww, Rob, that's pretty normal. It took me about a year to stop turning a corner and expect to see him sitting there. And, I practically begged folks to come get some of his things because I just couldn't bear the thought of packing them up and putting them away. It was only resolved for me when I bought a house and had to pack to move. All his tools were donated to a local organization for men in rehab so that I didn't even have to go through them to decide what was useful and what was not. My nephew took his fishing gear. It just helped to know that someone would think of him when they used that fishing pole.

The hardest part for me was sleeping. My husband had a genetic heart condition known as a widow maker because there were just no warning signs. And, that's how it happened - he was walking across the room at 5AM and just went down. He hit his head on a table on the way and it never even bled because his heart had simply stopped. So, when I was sleeping and a cat would knock something off the counter, in my haze, it was that moment all over again and I would simply shoot out of bed like a rocket, trying to find him to perform CPR.

It takes time to get over the trauma, much less the pain. Be kind to yourself and know that it's OK - both to ramble and to refuse to do certain things like make decisions.
:(:grouphug:
 

quietrob

Extraordinary
Aww, Rob, that's pretty normal. It took me about a year to stop turning a corner and expect to see him sitting there. And, I practically begged folks to come get some of his things because I just couldn't bear the thought of packing them up and putting them away. It was only resolved for me when I bought a house and had to pack to move. All his tools were donated to a local organization for men in rehab so that I didn't even have to go through them to decide what was useful and what was not. My nephew took his fishing gear. It just helped to know that someone would think of him when they used that fishing pole.

The hardest part for me was sleeping. My husband had a genetic heart condition known as a widow maker because there were just no warning signs. And, that's how it happened - he was walking across the room at 5AM and just went down. He hit his head on a table on the way and it never even bled because his heart had simply stopped. So, when I was sleeping and a cat would knock something off the counter, in my haze, it was that moment all over again and I would simply shoot out of bed like a rocket, trying to find him to perform CPR.

It takes time to get over the trauma, much less the pain. Be kind to yourself and know that it's OK - both to ramble and to refuse to do certain things like make decisions.
Again, I know I'm not alone. It's difficult to say but thank you for sharing that pain. In the last days, she slept on the couch because she complained our soft bed hurt her back. Understandable as the tumor in her spine had collapsed two of her vertebrae. Of course I didn't like it. Her place was beside me, on the left. Even now I don't sleep in the center, I still sleep on the right. Invasions by the occupant of the left were always allowed. Now I slept alone. I stayed up as late as I could because her sleeping habits were thrown off. Plus I only wanted to sleep when she was sleeping in case she needed me. As she became slowly weaker, Every morning, I worried if I would find her alive. I did this until one morning I found her face down on the floor. She had fallen off the couch, didn't make a sound, wasn't making a sound and just laying there. I rolled her over and I was furious that she didn't yell out for me but I couldn't yell at her. I just couldn't. I picked her up, laid her on the couch and fed her BOOST, water and half a slice of toast. I was so scared. I was so worried. I wanted to put her in the hospital but she found the strength to say NO.

It's terrifying to know that the end of your loved one could come at any time. We all live our lives with no thought as to a final date. Suddenly, you can't live like that. As you feel my pain, know that I feel yours. I know exactly how you felt and you know exactly how I feel. Right now, I'm packing and selling and donating everything. I came across scrapbooks. With everyone putting things on a cloud and social media, Mary built scrapbooks. I had to leaf through them and again I cried. Again I let loose the pent up feelings at seeing reminders of our life together. Seeing her happy with her many friends. Seeing her healthy and I don't know what to do with her scrapbooks. I don't know what to do. She has so many DVDs of japanese only, no subtitled drama's and romantic comedies. What do I do with them? They were part of who she was! I'm rambling but @Alisa and @Glitterati3D said it's okay.

I dreamed of her this morning. She was healthy and adorable with all of her hair and a familiar smile she wore when things were going our way. We were going over rings as I prepared to stand before a panel and testify. Three people I think I recognized were sitting across from me and asked me a question. I just smiled and said I'm here to let everyone that I want to marry that girl over there. I looked over and Mary was staring at me in surprise and happiness. I woke up and was still smiling. I realized that she wasn't there but I didn't cry for once. I felt warm and peaceful that I got to see her again.

Even if it was in my dreams.
I miss her so much.
 

Hornet3d

Renowned
Heart breaking as it must have been for you I am glad you were able to tell us about what you went through. You were lucky to have each other and for her to have you by her side when it mattered most. While there is no way I can fully understand what you are going through I have some ideas of the depths you must go to at times. I can so much understand your fears you had as I am lucky enough to have found my soul mate and dread the thought of losing her and being parted. I cannot predict the future and I know time does not heal all but I have found that talking about your memories, good or bad can sometimes help. Some of people have said that over time they find they can think of the good times without feeling the pain of their loss being quite as bad.

You clearly had a very special relationship which is something to treasure and in no way can be regarded as screwing up. It is good that you remember so much as it keeps it special and those memories will remain, they at least cannot be taken away.

Stay safe and be gentle on yourself.

Thank you for sharing.
 

Alisa

RETIRED HW3D QAV Director (QAV Queen Bee)
Staff member
QAV-BEE
I'm glad you and Traci are both able to talk to us, hard as I'm sure it is to share. I think Hornet's right that talking can be very therapeutic.

Maybe, those things you don't know what to do with, like the scrapbooks, put aside for now in boxes, and make decisions later. Like Traci said, you don't have to decide everything right now.

Your Mary, and your relationship sound so very special. I can't imagine how very hard everything you went through was. I'm very sure it meant so much to her.

As Hornet said, thank you for sharing....Traci, too. One thing that can be a positive result of our painful losses is that they can help us have empathy and maybe help someone else who is going through the same thing...like the insight Traci was able to give to you now.

As the others are saying, be gentle on yourself.

:grouphug:
 

DanaTA

Extraordinary
I'm so sorry! I think every one of us dreads that day. I've been married to the same woman for 43.5 years. I'd be beside myself. My heart goes out to you.

Dana
 

quietrob

Extraordinary
That is so kind of you. I envy you that you were able to spend almost twice as long a time with your loved one. It is what I hope for as well yet I am glad and heartened that your love of a lifetime is still laughing and loving with you. Mary and I were always romantics at heart.

Again, thank you for your kind words.
 

McG.

Enthusiast
I post here because while I didn't want to intrude on other's grief, I must share my own.

Sweetheart, my love of the 28 years is now resting comfortably due to the morphine drip. After years of battling cancer, winning and living, it came back and wasn't discovered until it was Stage 4.

Now after many more months of battling, everyone says the end is in sight.

I still want a miracle. I'm a baptist but I'll accept prayers from denominations. That's my wife, my love in days before cancer. The other picture proves that despite warnings, she really liked me. That is the biggest secret to our success for staying together. We just plain liked each other and I always did what she said. I would say Love but one I already did and two...the word Love just isn't strong enough.
View attachment 36525 View attachment 36526

I'm getting a bite and heading back to the hospital.

I pray for you both! People who share in Love share the greatest wonder in Life!
 

quietrob

Extraordinary
Thanks @McG. By now you know things didn't work out as I wished but anyone one who believes in love is on my side. Thank you for your kindness.
 
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