Just a few prayers...

[Bonnie2001]

Late condolences as I only seen this thread. Sorry for your loss Robin, I pledge prayers tonight for Mary's soul and for you as well.

 

[Glitterati3D]

No, you're not alone, though none of us can know exactly what you're going through. But I suspect most of us here have lost people dear to them. Not always a spouse, but others close to us. I don't think it ever is easy.

People don't know what to say when there is loss...even those of us who've been there, partly because what comforts one person may upset another.

I have lost people as they and I have aged, but also had a lot of loss at a young age, before I was out of my teens.

I remember, like it was yesterday, when I was 11 and my dad died very suddenly, people telling my 13 year old brother and me that we had to be strong for our mother. They meant well.. they were trying to help. I remember my wise cousin, 5 years my senior, telling us, as I'll tell you, that amidst such loss, you don't have to be strong right now.

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, Alisa. My daughter was 15 when her Dad died. And she just lost it.

In one sense, though, I had to be strong enough to keep her comforted and that did help me get through it. I just had no time to think about my own pain while I helped my daughter deal with hers.

While this kind of loss is hard for us all, it's especially hard for children to understand it at all - they just get lost in the pain.

And, yes, by the time his memorial service was done and all the well wishers went home, I was thrilled not to hear the platitudes any more. I know that folks meant well, but there were times when I truly wanted to scream "No, the better place is right here watching his daughter grow up."

Instead, we smile, offer our thanks for the well wishes, and scream silently inside.

 

[Alisa]

Yep..

 

[Hornet3d]

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, Alisa. My daughter was 15 when her Dad died. And she just lost it.

In one sense, though, I had to be strong enough to keep her comforted and that did help me get through it. I just had no time to think about my own pain while I helped my daughter deal with hers.

While this kind of loss is hard for us all, it's especially hard for children to understand it at all - they just get lost in the pain.

And, yes, by the time his memorial service was done and all the well wishers went home, I was thrilled not to hear the platitudes any more. I know that folks meant well, but there were times when I truly wanted to scream "No, the better place is right here watching his daughter grow up."

Instead, we smile, offer our thanks for the well wishes, and scream silently inside.

Very True.

 

[Terre]

Yup.
That's part of the reason I don't know what to say.
I did figure out something that helped a co-worker a bit today. She lost her 44 year old favorite nephew to cancer around 2am on Monday and it occurred to me to point out that Monday is actually the third day after Good Friday so, although we in the US celebrate Easter on Sunday, the more correct day is Monday (as they do in Canada and Europe) and she did find the thought of him passing to Heaven on Easter to help a bit. It wouldn't have necessarily helped another person but I thought it might help her and I'm glad to have guessed right.

I wish there was more I could do for Robin.

 

[Bonnie2001]

I did figure out something that helped a co-worker a bit today. She lost her 44 year old favorite nephew to cancer around 2am on Monday and it occurred to me to point out that Monday is actually the third day after Good Friday so, although we in the US celebrate Easter on Sunday, the more correct day is Monday (as they do in Canada and Europe) and she did find the thought of him passing to Heaven on Easter to help a bit. It wouldn't have necessarily helped another person but I thought it might help her and I'm glad to have guessed right.

That was a kind and nicely thought thing to do.

 

[Hornet3d]

It is so difficult to know what to say and so easy to say the wrong thing. I know when my father died someone told my mother that the first year is the worst, it was said by someone who had been through losing someone close and said with the best intentions. Sadly I saw the devastation my mother went through a year later when it was no easier for her and in some aspects worse, despite the best intent it had given her, what was for her, a false expectation.

I know when I first lost someone close I had so many people commiserate with me but the one person I remember all these years later was the person who said simply 'Many of us have been where you are now so you are not alone. I am here if you need me.' It was said in a way that did not bring me to tears and the words have lived with me ever since.

 

[Terre]

I can see why, Hornet. That was a wise person.
"I am here if you need me." That is what I try to show but am not good at saying. Perhaps remembering this will help me get that concept across in the future.

 

[quietrob]

I can see why, Hornet. That was a wise person.
"I am here if you need me." That is what I try to show but am not good at saying. Perhaps remembering this will help me get that concept across in the future.

I understand you perfectly, Terre. This is the kind of thread when likes never quite make sense yet it's okay with me. Hornet and you are right. I am here if you need me is the perfect thing to say.

@Glitterati3D Thank you. It's how I often feel. People tell me she's in a better place. I know this is true because she isn't suffering or in pain or so weak she can't stand. But I didn't hold back. I screamed she should be here with me. She has shows piled up on the DVR to watch, places for us to go, errands for me to run. Making deals for foot rubs. Watching her favorite players with a tear in her eye as she learns before they were pampered superstars, they lived in their car with no one to help them. The mini-battles we had in which neither of us could lose because we always had each other. I was never turned down for a kiss and a kiss was the toll I charged her when Mary wanted me to do something that she didn't think I wanted to do. The thing is, I always wanted to do what she wished because it was her. I want to hear her throaty "BRING IT ON" when she thought there was a challenge. I want to feel her hiding behind me when things looked like they were going to get physical with some stranger. I want to rush to the door to help her with packages while she plops her buns down on the couch as she tells me, "there's more in the car" because she knows I'll get them for her. I want her to steal my french fries. I want to see her start a chain reaction of giving a couple of dollars to someone who is down and out. She would give and then others would quickly follow suit. I want her to tell me she believes in me. I want to see her laugh until she cries.

I want her here with me.

I thank you all again. I can not thank you enough. It looks like we're not alone.

 

[Rokket]

Grieve, Robin. It's good for you to get it out. And, like everyone else seems to say when they don't know what to say, I am here when you need me.

 

[Alisa]

Rob - you are expressing so beautifully what all who lose ones they love feel. What a special person she clearly was.

Yes, it's good that she is no longer in pain and suffering, but that doesn't offset the pain and complete unfairness of it all.

My heart is there with you as the tears fall from my eyes. I wish we could all transport ourselves over to you to surround you with caring and hugs.

 

[Rae134]

 

[kobaltkween]

I'm so very sorry. I recently lost my best friend, whom I met at 11, so I know a little bit how it feels to lose someone you thought you'd grow old with. There's just no words.

 

[Pendraia]

 

[Alisa]

 

[Terre]

Adding more.

 

[mininessie]

 

[quietrob]

@kobaltkween My apologies for not responding sooner. I'm doing my best not to bring anyone down. I try to post on this that. Give encouragement as I can.

However. When you are with someone that long, they become a part of you. So you feel as if you have lost a bit of yourself. I know that I feel like I lost not my better half but everything. This is how close we are. It has been 20 days and I can report I am still a mess. I am trying to clean up and reorganize but there are so many little reminders. I find myself still talking to her as I'm a crazy person. Just a few words like "I know I'm a screw up" but this time she isn't there to list the many reason I'm not a screwup. I still look at the door and know it's impossible for her to walk through it. I look on her spot on the couch and I see that after image of where she would sit and quietly rule our world. I can still burst into tears as if I'm weak. I still keep running into her secret stashes of Shower Gel! No wonder she always smelled so good! Oh I can go on, but I won't. I've ambushed too many people with my "Mary did this" stories. I'll try not to do that here. Geez did I just ramble? I apologize.

Instead, I'll say thank you to @mininessie @Terre @Alisa and @Pendraia so that we join in our group hug. I'll ask @kobaltkween to join us. For we all know what it's like when someone is missing. Forever.

 

[Alisa]

Ramble away, Rob.

Bursting into tears isn't weakness, it's being human. It's normal. It's all normal and it's ok to share what you're going through if you want, if it helps!

 

[Miss B]

What Alisa said.