I was 17 when I lost my grandfather, we were very close as he was a caretaker and odd jobs man and I spent the long school holidays of my youth helping him out, well I thought I was helping him at the time. The manner of his passing was horrible and protracted and I remember feeling guilty because part of me was glad when he died but only because I was pleased he would no longer suffer. Only years later did I discover that guilt and even anger can be part of grieving.
I remember like yesterday sitting around my father's bed with the rest of the family when we made the difficult decision to turn of the life support. Eighteen years on I cannot watch a drama on TV with someone on life support and I have to leave the room. Is this being strong, I have no idea, I just know that is how deal with it and how I manage to continue to cope.
Having spent around 10 years on a support line I have spoken to many people who have lost someone close, some spoke of similar feelings but every one had a different mix of those feeling and some had feelings that surprised and many that saddened me. Grief and how we deal with it is very personal, if we are lucky enough we find someway to cope to live each day and, again if we are lucky, we learn to cope a little better over time.
I sort of feel uncomfortable in saying that because this is about you and no one else but I just wanted to say you are not alone and also say do whatever you need to do right now. Alisa is right, you do not have to be strong right now, you don't have to be or feel anything.
Also don't worry about causing more pain, all any of us want to do is help you in any way we can. You have site mailed me on more than one occasions regarding my art but communication is two way. If you feel you want to dump on someone please feel free to do so just send me a mail. I know from my support days it is often easier to say something to a stranger than those close to you who are also hurting. It is a genuine offer for you to accept or leave, dependant on what you feel and what you want. You are not alone but at this point in time you and your well being is all that matters.
Be easy on yourself.