Act Your Age!

[Stezza]

one of the mysteries of life.... my age

 

[Hornet3d]

I will tell anyone younger than 50 this important piece of advice. I wish someone had not just told me, but made me understand. A lot of the choices we make in our life when we are younger seem to have no bad repercussions, and as a result, we start thinking we're invincible. I'm watching my nephew scarf down all these hamburgers and fried chicken dinners. I honestly can't remember the last time I saw him eat a vegetable or anything green. Unless you count French Fries. But here's the thing. As you're driving down the road of life, sooner or later you have to do something to maintain the vehicle, or a the very least prepare for emergencies, or there's a very good chance you make not make it to your destination. But if you're a science buff, remember the Newton's law: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Put another way, for every action, there is a consequence. You may not see it at first and you may not feel it for years to come, but over time, that bill will come due. Put something aside now while you're healthy young and well, to pay that bill later.

And now, the Reverend has left the pulpit.

When I was diagnosed with diabetes I was quite surprised because I was not aware until after of the family history and not a big eater of junk food. I was travelling abroad a great deal for my work and the doctor, with very little input from me, described my lifestyle, working hard during the day and often missing meals and eating when I could. He informed me it was my lifestyle that had brought me to that point, so as you say there is a consequence to our actions. I wished I had known sooner but had I stopped to think, common sense would have told me what I was doing was not good for me and there would be a price to pay.

Strange thing though, as I lay in my hospital bed on the opposite side of the world with the only contact outside of the hospital I had was a short telephone call with my wife each evening I had time to think. Just over a year later I was made redundant and I took the opportunity to downshift. I took a job locally, no more flying around the world, no more two hour daily commute when I was in this country. Less money but more time with my family. It was only a few years later I lost my Mother (I had already lost my father some years before) and I was grateful I had been given the time to spend more time sharing her love for those years. The relationship with my wife, which had always been strong became much stronger. I had not planned on the redundancy but the change in lifestyle had been planned some time earlier while laying in a hospital bed.

 

[Ken1171]

Not the sort of post it seems appropriate to like as it is so sad. I am glad you made it through but having had a fairly good relationship with my parents I do feel sad you missed out on something that can be special but pleased you found yourself, not everyone achieves that.

All this has happened a long time ago, but like you said, it's not something we can just forget about and move on. There is no moving on from loosing your entire family when they are still alive. Even when my mother passed away, there was still no way back. I used to blame her for many things, but over time I forgave her, since all she did was moved by a mental pathology that was beyond her. Besides, hating my parents with such passion was only making ME suffer, so I had to stop and forgive. There was no peace without that.

Forgiving my mother was the hardest thing I have ever done, and yet, I had to stay away for the sake of keeping my mental sanity, not to mention my marriage. My wife almost left me because of her. Bipolar disorder can probably destroy the entire planet if given the chance, but it always starts with the family. When my father decided not to treat her for the syndrome, that sealed my decision to leave home and move to the other side of the planet. From this point on, it still took me a couple of decades until I had gathered enough strength and wisdom to learn how to forgive. It doesn't fix anything, but it certainly lifts a terrible weight from the heart. After everything has been destroyed, forgiveness was my way out. And it was not about telling my mother that I forgave her (bipolars are incapable of recognizing guilt), but instead to convince myself that I did. That was the toughest part.

 

[Hornet3d]

All this has happened a long time ago, but like you said, it's not something we can just forget about and move on. There is no moving on from loosing your entire family when they are still alive. Even when my mother passed away, there was still no way back. I used to blame her for many things, but over time I forgave her, since all she did was moved by a mental pathology that was beyond her. Besides, hating my parents with such passion was only making ME suffer, so I had to stop and forgive. There was no peace without that.

Forgiving my mother was the hardest thing I have ever done, and yet, I had to stay away for the sake of keeping my mental sanity, not to mention my marriage. My wife almost left me because of her. Bipolar disorder can probably destroy the entire planet if given the chance, but it always starts with the family. When my father decided not to treat her for the syndrome, that sealed my decision to leave home and move to the other side of the planet. From this point on, it still took me a couple of decades until I had gathered enough strength and wisdom to learn how to forgive. It doesn't fix anything, but it certainly lifts a terrible weight from the heart. After everything has been destroyed, forgiveness was my way out. And it was not about telling my mother that I forgave her (bipolars are incapable of recognizing guilt), but instead to convince myself that I did. That was the toughest part.

I remember a talk, some years ago, from someone who ran a charity dealing with people who self harm and something she said stuck with me. "Wounds suffered in childhood and not dealt with tend to bleed into adulthood." It registered with me because I saw evidence of this 'bleeding' on a regular basis when doing my stint on a telephone help line. It is a blessing that you had the strength of character to move away and also the courage to forgive, not everyone understands that hate tends to have a very negative impact on those that hate. I also heard from many people who hate the lives they are living mainly because they are living the life someone else wished or thrust upon them. I have been very privileged to experience happiness as well as heartache and I feel desperately sad for those that only seem to experience the latter. Happily you appear not to be one of them.

 

[Ken1171]

I have been very privileged to experience happiness as well as heartache and I feel desperately sad for those that only seem to experience the latter. Happily you appear not to be one of them.

It has become a matter of living one day at a time. Bipolar disorder is a syndrome, so it aggravates over time. I still have good memories of my family from my childhood, before things got out of hand. My wife finds it hard to believe that things were not always like this, because she only met me after things started to escalate. She has only seen the dark side, and never understood how I could forgive. So even though my mother has passed away many years ago, in a way she is still living through those who could never forgive her. It's hard to separate the person from the disease if you have never seen them before it takes over.

People find it easier to hate than to forgive, especially when those afflicted by this mental disorder are incapable of feeling remorse or guilt for things they did, and those feelings are what define us as human beings. I suppose when people loose the ability to feel compassion, they are no longer human. That's what this disorder do to them, so to many who have seen them in action, they are seen as monsters. What keeps a family together no longer applies to them because they are incapable of loving. It's not that they don't want to love, but instead that they are no longer capable of understanding the concept. Over time I have developed the ability to become emotionally numb, so her attacks had less effect on me. A self-protection mechanism took over.

When I have exiled myself from my family, I had decades to reflect over what makes us human. I have worked at an IT company where the manager had symptoms similar to my mother, frequently verbally assaulting the employees to feed his ego - something I was very familiar with. Later I have noticed that the industry was actually seeking for people like him, because psychopaths are detached from human emotions, which turns them into the ideal managers who have to make difficult decisions without worrying about who is going to be hurt by them.

There is a good chance most of our world leaders are actual psychopaths, because that works in their favor. They are not quite human by definition, which seems to fit well with their position and the decisions they need to make. It appears that 1 in every 10 of us are psychopaths, completely devoid of human emotions, making them perfect candidates for leading positions. Being unaffected by things like compassion or regret, they are quite efficient, capable of making quicker decisions, and still sleep quite well at night. That means the 90% of us who are still human are quite possibly being governed by psychopaths incapable of human emotions. I guess that explains a lot of what's in the history books.

 

[Hornet3d]

It has become a matter of living one day at a time. Bipolar disorder is a syndrome, so it aggravates over time. I still have good memories of my family from my childhood, before things got out of hand. My wife finds it hard to believe that things were not always like this, because she only met me after things started to escalate. She has only seen the dark side, and never understood how I could forgive. So even though my mother has passed away many years ago, in a way she is still living through those who could never forgive her. It's hard to separate the person from the disease if you have never seen them before it takes over.

People find it easier to hate than to forgive, especially when those afflicted by this mental disorder are incapable of feeling remorse or guilt for things they did, and those feelings are what define us as human beings. I suppose when people loose the ability to feel compassion, they are no longer human. That's what this disorder do to them, so to many who have seen them in action, they are seen as monsters. What keeps a family together no longer applies to them because they are incapable of loving. It's not that they don't want to love, but instead that they are no longer capable of understanding the concept. Over time I have developed the ability to become emotionally numb, so her attacks had less effect on me. A self-protection mechanism took over.

When I have exiled myself from my family, I had decades to reflect over what makes us human. I have worked at an IT company where the manager had symptoms similar to my mother, frequently verbally assaulting the employees to feed his ego - something I was very familiar with. Later I have noticed that the industry was actually seeking for people like him, because psychopaths are detached from human emotions, which turns them into the ideal managers who have to make difficult decisions without worrying about who is going to be hurt by them.

There is a good chance most of our world leaders are actual psychopaths, because that works in their favor. They are not quite human by definition, which seems to fit well with their position and the decisions they need to make. It appears that 1 in every 10 of us are psychopaths, completely devoid of human emotions, making them perfect candidates for leading positions. Being unaffected by things like compassion or regret, they are quite efficient, capable of making quicker decisions, and still sleep quite well at night. That means the 90% of us who are still human are quite possibly being governed by psychopaths incapable of human emotions. I guess that explains a lot of what's in the history books.

Strangely I was watching a real life crime program along with my wife last night and afterwards I said to her I could not understand how people could get so desperate for money or sex that they were capable of killing. Not only that but how could they sleep and live with themselves afterwards. I think you you have just supplied me with one of the answers. I know it is said time heals but I have never believed that myself, the pain may diminish but it is always there.

The fact you are still living with the past is no surprise but I do admire your capacity to live through and forgive.

 

[Ken1171]

I know it is said time heals but I have never believed that myself, the pain may diminish but it is always there.

Some claim it's the pain that makes us human. Some people lack the ability to feel anything, and do terrible things while attempting to feel something. I think that Dexter TV show was about this. He was the classic psychopath, incapable of feeling happiness, love, remorse or guilt. He tried feel empathy, but it was pointless to him. It was not his fault - it's a mental disorder, and looks like 1 in every 10 of us have it. They appear to make very efficient managers and leaders, though you won't want to work under them. LOL

 

[Hornet3d]

Some claim it's the pain that makes us human. Some people lack the ability to feel anything, and do terrible things while attempting to feel something. I think that Dexter TV show was about this. He was the classic psychopath, incapable of feeling happiness, love, remorse or guilt. He tried feel empathy, but it was pointless to him. It was not his fault - it's a mental disorder, and looks like 1 in every 10 of us have it. They appear to make very efficient managers and leaders, though you won't want to work under them. LOL

I had a manager that matched your description very well, but I decided to leave the company rather the work for him. As it was I didn't leave as the company ask me to stay, which I did only with the provision that he would cease to be my manager, I was surprised when they agreed, not only that but the gave me a salary increase. Sadly he stayed with the company despite the fact that he had a turn over of staff close to 50% each year. Then again, I don't blame him although I did wonder what the inhuman resources were being paid for, then again I wondered that in most of the companies I worked for.

 

[Ken1171]

Hehe I know how that can be. That single psycho manager has ruined my life back in 2004, and I still haven't recovered from it. I don't know if I ever will, but life goes on.

 

[Hornet3d]

Hehe I know how that can be. That single psycho manager has ruined my life back in 2004, and I still haven't recovered from it. I don't know if I ever will, but life goes on.

My father always taught me to be respectful of others and not be confrontational if I could avoid being so but also not to be walked over. He often told me no job is worth being miserable for. Lucky for me that I had a good apprenticeship and had skills that were in demand so I was not afraid of getting work I think in a thirty year career I only offered to resign three times and only actually walked once, well twice if you count the last time but by then I was ready to retire so the company did me a favour. Particularly when I sold the shares I had in them which are now half of what I sold them for. I have either been very lucky or I have one hell of a guardian angel.

 

[Ken1171]

He often told me no job is worth being miserable for.

Unless that job is tied up to your permission to remain in the country?

 

[Janet]

In a past life I worked as a social worker in the mental health system. Bipolar is really difficult to deal with. So sorry Ken. My mom was borderline. She lived for causing trouble between people. Imagine your mom is your frienenemy.

 

[Ken1171]

In a past life I worked as a social worker in the mental health system. Bipolar is really difficult to deal with. So sorry Ken. My mom was borderline. She lived for causing trouble between people. Imagine your mom is your frienenemy.

It's hard when it's someone you can't just quit caring about, like your own mother. Like yours, mine lived to throw people against each other, and to undermine everyone around her. She wouldn't stop until somebody got hurt, and then feed on the pain she caused. It's a constant need to be always right, to be the center of all attention, and to cause discord. Not to mention the megalomania. Later in life I have found other people with the very same symptoms. My wife has become an expert in identifying these people.

So far I have only found 1 single case where the person could have a "normal" life after taking medication, but the process is brutal, often including shock treatment. That's why dad refused to treat mom. I guess I understand his motives, but everybody else has paid for his decision.

 

[Faery_Light]

My son was diagnosed as bipolar, he did show remorse and was often upset and sorry over his outbursts.
He was quite capable of deeply loving someone and being hurt easily.
He would go from being very depressed to being extremely happy, went as long as three days or longer unable to sleep and had anger issues.
I have never believed he was fully bipolar, he was highly empathic.
I feel that if doctors would stop refusing to admit that there are those who are "empathic" they would stop mislabeling these people.
He was so strongly empathic that he felt the emotions of many people at once and just did not know how to turn that off.
I learned very young in my life to block some of it and not let people know that I could feel their emotions, and yes, sometimes catch their thoughts.
Unfortunately he did not learn that and overtime it affected his mental state.
The doctor prescribed one medicine that gave him hallucinations and he nearly fell down a flight of steps trying to run from a monster.
He thought a giant spider was on his chest and jumped and ran before he realized it was not real.
Empathic people need understanding and someone who can help them handle what they go through.
Medicines will not help and may make it worse.
I have a grand-daughter who is bipolar and empathic as well, she also has split personalities.
So I understand what it is to go through it with anyone, I do not hate her because I understand her.
We get along very well and when she gets in a mood I avoid anything to further upset that mood.
As far as acting our age, wellllll...I act whatever age I want even if others say it's childish or what ever.

 

[Ken1171]

He was quite capable of deeply loving someone and being hurt easily.

I believe you - there are many kinds of bipolar, and in many degrees of severity. In a way, you are lucky your son was diagnosed, for in my mom's case, that has only happened (by accident) 30 years later, when things were already out of control. We didn't know it was a medical condition, and came to deeply resent her as the syndrome advanced and aggravated over time. I have talked to other people, and sounds like this is the most common situation, where families are destroyed because nobody knew there was a mental disorder involved. At least that's how it was when it happened to my family. Maybe things are better nowadays and people can be diagnosed earlier? I hope so.

Mind you, my mother was also caring and loving until a certain age, when something triggered in her head, and from that on, things started to go crazy. It's a syndrome, so it has gradually aggravated over the years. In other words, it didn't happen all at once. During that time, we all thought she just had a "difficult personality". None of us suspected it could be a mental disorder. Things could had been soooo much easier if we only knew, and none of us would come to resent her. It was bad because we didn't know.

 

[Faery_Light]

My grandmother had Alzheimer's and it destroyed her mind, we watched a bright loving woman change day by day.
We took her in and cared for her till her death.
But we knew what the cause was, unfortunately when she was younger her mother was put in an institution because no one knew what was wrong.
It was diagnosed as severe Dementia and she grew even meaner than she usually was so I'm told.

And I am sure many who were bipolar suffered the same fate, an institution instead of medicine and care.
How could families learn to cope with it if they had no knowledge of what it was or what to do to care for the ones afflicted?
I can understand how one could come to hate someone or to just want to get away from them.
There is no shame or blame in feeling that way when you have no idea why you are mistreated.
It is a fact that there are some people who are just mean natured and abusive.
And when you have no way of knowing if that is the case your only choice is to get away from it.
And if you do know but are not able to care for someone who has it, you still need to get away.

It does leave a mark on us though, if we are mistreated badly or watch someone we love dearly suffer, it still hurts us emotionally.
The scars form and we learn to cope but memories still hurt.

 

[Hornet3d]

Unless that job is tied up to your permission to remain in the country?

Yes the principle is great but like all theories it comes up against reality.

 

[Hornet3d]

It is a sad fact that those close to us and have the potential to love so much as the same potential to hurt. I was lucky to have a good family but it was nothing more than that, no one deserves the hurt or the illness discussed here but it happens.

 

[quietrob]

@Faery_Light I can't give your comments a "LIKE" because somehow it doesn't seem appropriate. However, I can offer my understanding and agreement on everything you said. The brain is the least understood part of the human body. It never rests, it never shuts off and for those who truly suffer from these terrible ailments, they need our understanding.

 

[Ken1171]

It does leave a mark on us though, if we are mistreated badly or watch someone we love dearly suffer, it still hurts us emotionally.
The scars form and we learn to cope but memories still hurt.

All true. I have often heard other people telling me they would had just walked away if it were them. It's easy to say things like that, but I think it would be different if it were THEIR own mother we were talking about, and not just some stranger.

It is a sad fact that those close to us and have the potential to love so much as the same potential to hurt. I was lucky to have a good family but it was nothing more than that, no one deserves the hurt or the illness discussed here but it happens.

Very true. Life has nothing to do with fairness, or who is deserving of what - it just happens.