Depression or celebrating life?

[Lyne]

I wish I COULD re-charge in nature....age and health have removed that option from me...so it's very hard to find ....uh...new batteries.... I just have to wait until something inspires me to come along... usually new products from HiveWire that I particularly want...

 

[sapat]

I know ppl here don' really know me. I've been working here a couple yr. I used to love 3d, rendering, learning new things. Now I have no passion, no energy to put a scene together to render, and can't even seem to learn new things. Working here keeps me in touch with 3d. I love the ppl I work with and enjoy being here every day. It's like a mini-vaca to get away from 'home'. LOL.

I suffer from issues of depression and anxiety. Many of you experience and choose to share since it's safe here. I don't feel bad about letting ppl know because it's a so prevalent everywhere with the economy, social issues, and the violence here and around the world. It can also be personal issues as well as we all know. I am maxed out on on 2 anti-depressants and don't feel any better at all. One of my major issues is environmental according to my dr. He says since I'm so unhappy with my location and surroundings with no hope of getting out, that it causes me to remain this way. I feel hopeless and helpless to change things since I want to move but hubby doesn't since he was born here and all his friends and family are here. I was born over 1500 miles from here where all my friends and family are, so it creates a lot of bad feelings. Since I've been here, I've lost my mother and 3 brothers and wasn't there for any of it. Such guilt and pain. Two of the brothers were twins, and died 4 months apart which was extra tough.
Back home, we have beautiful weather in the fall and snow in the winter which I love. If we were to move to a location where I had 4 real seasons, cool weather, and places where I can walk, hike, and enjoy nature, then I'd be happy as a clam and have no need for medication. Not saying to move back home, just somewhere for me to get away from the constant heat, humidity, rain 6 months a year and the threat of hurricanes from June-January. All that contributes to my depression and anxiety, plus panic if I know a hurricane in coming at us like Harvey did last year. Don't know if you guys have ever had to board up every window in your house, lose water, electric, eat food out of an ice chest, etc. You're in the dark with a couple flashlights for several days. All you can do is hide in the house and listen to the constant high winds and pounding rain for days on end. We did the same thing years ago with Katrina. It's terrifying for me since I didn't grow up with anything like this. To constantly on alert and anxious for months on end while the news ppl tell you every 5 minutes about tropical depressions in the gulf, possible hurricanes coming our way, etc. I'm so over it. I'm surprised the entire gulf coast isn't on medication.
Anyway, it's good to know you aren't the only one when you're sitting at home thinking you are. You aren't, that's been proven just right here. It's hard to cheer up and look to the future and ignore those ppl who keep telling you 'snap out of it '. But keep your head straight and look down the road, even if you force it and have to remind yourself every day. We're worth it.

 

[Gisela]

I suffer from chronic depression almost my whole life. I take medication for that. I can't leave treatment. I've also been on electroshock therapy since I didn't respond to any medication. Right know my condition it's stable from this year. I don't know when It's going to come back I can't do what I like the most, Read. I love books but I can't read them at least 3d I can. This is my therapy. I'm not too good but I can concentrate while I'm doing it. @Lyne You are my inspiration. I love your art.
I like been here to see your artworks.
Live and enjoy one day at the time. That is the key to survive. I hope you all get better.

 

[LisaB]

I know ppl here don' really know me. I've been working here a couple yr. I used to love 3d, rendering, learning new things. Now I have no passion, no energy to put a scene together to render, and can't even seem to learn new things. Working here keeps me in touch with 3d. I love the ppl I work with and enjoy being here every day. It's like a mini-vaca to get away from 'home'. LOL.

I suffer from issues of depression and anxiety. Many of you experience and choose to share since it's safe here. I don't feel bad about letting ppl know because it's a so prevalent everywhere with the economy, social issues, and the violence here and around the world. It can also be personal issues as well as we all know. I am maxed out on on 2 anti-depressants and don't feel any better at all. One of my major issues is environmental according to my dr. He says since I'm so unhappy with my location and surroundings with no hope of getting out, that it causes me to remain this way. I feel hopeless and helpless to change things since I want to move but hubby doesn't since he was born here and all his friends and family are here. I was born over 1500 miles from here where all my friends and family are, so it creates a lot of bad feelings. Since I've been here, I've lost my mother and 3 brothers and wasn't there for any of it. Such guilt and pain. Two of the brothers were twins, and died 4 months apart which was extra tough.
Back home, we have beautiful weather in the fall and snow in the winter which I love. If we were to move to a location where I had 4 real seasons, cool weather, and places where I can walk, hike, and enjoy nature, then I'd be happy as a clam and have no need for medication. Not saying to move back home, just somewhere for me to get away from the constant heat, humidity, rain 6 months a year and the threat of hurricanes from June-January. All that contributes to my depression and anxiety, plus panic if I know a hurricane in coming at us like Harvey did last year. Don't know if you guys have ever had to board up every window in your house, lose water, electric, eat food out of an ice chest, etc. You're in the dark with a couple flashlights for several days. All you can do is hide in the house and listen to the constant high winds and pounding rain for days on end. We did the same thing years ago with Katrina. It's terrifying for me since I didn't grow up with anything like this. To constantly on alert and anxious for months on end while the news ppl tell you every 5 minutes about tropical depressions in the gulf, possible hurricanes coming our way, etc. I'm so over it. I'm surprised the entire gulf coast isn't on medication.
Anyway, it's good to know you aren't the only one when you're sitting at home thinking you are. You aren't, that's been proven just right here. It's hard to cheer up and look to the future and ignore those ppl who keep telling you 'snap out of it '. But keep your head straight and look down the road, even if you force it and have to remind yourself every day. We're worth it.

We are absolutely worth it! It's up to each of us to give ourselves what we so freely give to others.

I remember when helping my mom through rough spots in her life she would listen and then look at me with excitement and hope in her eyes and say, "Lisa, can you just sit here on my shoulder and whisper those good things in my ear all day?" It always made me sigh with exasperation. Of course I would if I could, especially for someone I love, but of course I can't.

I would explain to her that it's up to her to remember the things that make her feel good and feed them to herself. To find and give herself credit for her victories. That every day has something in it that required courage to overcome and that in every day, no matter how bad it went, there was something to be grateful for.

So many people, men and women alike, have this base underlying belief of "not being enough" which means we tell ourselves we don't "deserve" the kindness we so freely give away to others. We absolutely are enough and we absolutely do deserve kindness from ourselves and to ourselves.

We ARE absolutely worth it!

 

[carmen indorato]

Reading the posts here and I did read them ALL....I felt I was re-reading my journal!
3 deaths in my life 8 years ago did me in emotionally and psychologically.I fell down and broke and have been trying to rebuild my "slf" ever since.
My brain has never been the sharpest growing up causing serious learning problems which despite it I speak 3 languages and got a master degree, owned my own business and worked abroad and have created art in most genres since 1969!
It all died when first I gave up analog art for digital 20+ years ago (to my deepest regret) and having lost so much work from computer hardware issues in those years since(I HATE COMPUTERS!) it is getting harder to move forward creating images. My artwork like my guns and knives and cameras and books have defined me all my life. Losing more and more of those important support things or reasons for BEING, seem t have slowly lost more and more of MY SELF and after my last computer death losing me so much more AGAIN, I just can't motivate myself to fire it up and do more work. For someone who still has his first B&W picture shot on a Kodak Brownie Junior soooooo long ago, losing images, sooooo many images, in these last 20 years of computer death, has deflated my creativity severely. So, I unable go back to analog and fear going forward in digital combined with learning disorders making it difficult to learn anything new, I am bored to death with the whole creative process!
Waking up in the morning without purpose. and going to bed at night with nothing to be thankful for having accomplished during the long days just add to the depression.

I hate doing anything which is becoming a real problem as my mental , creative and physical house are in disorder. It sucks not having a purpose. Having been out of work for so long before retirement age kicked in I have no real friends I share anything in common with. Having no family to speak (I feel comfortable around) I feel even lonelier.

Feeling more lonely going out alone in public than I do alone at home, I don't like going out so I have slowly become agoraphobic.
I was NEVER HOME in my youth. I have gone from hiking (I have 3 bikes and an indoor trainer) and roller skating and rollerblading, hiking and dancing to sitting on the couch watching tv or sitting at my damn computer on-line doing....well....THIS.
Funny how our world shrinks as age encroaches. Funny how sometimes we forget the meaning of LIVING our lives. Some folks embrace life as they move forward never quitting the learning and life experiencing. Others, like me I guess, stagger and fall and unless they have friends and family to grab them by the seat of their pants and lift them up into action again, or help repair some of the breaks they might suffer on their journeys, die the slow death of ATROPHY Mental and Physical) long before they suck their last breath.

I hope you all can lift yourselves up and continue your journeys living full lives and not suffering the debilitating Atrophy Depression and loneliness and lack of purpose plague apparently....ALL of us....with.

May you all walk on the sunny side of the mountain that is life!
Thanks for your indulgence and sharing!

 

[Bonnie2001]

I hope you feel better soon Lyne. Depression can happen to anyone and while I don't suffer from it myself, I know lots of girls who do. My school brought in a counsellor because so many girls are depressed, some even self-harming. I blame social media, everyone wants to be popular online and some can't hack it when they get negative comments or unlikes.

 

[Hornet3d]

I hope you feel better soon Lyne. Depression can happen to anyone and while I don't suffer from it myself, I know lots of girls who do. My school brought in a counsellor because so many girls are depressed, some even self-harming. I blame social media, everyone wants to be popular online and some can't hack it when they get negative comments or unlikes.

Self harming seems to be a modern trend but it does seem quite common which is a worrying trend. I also feel that social media has a lot to do with it and this drive to live up an image which is, in itself, a fantasy. Of course it is only part of the problem, my depression has nothing to do with social media for the prime reason, other than this forum I have no social media contact. What social media does is take an already known problem and makes it worse although it can of course help as well.

 

[Hornet3d]

I know ppl here don' really know me. I've been working here a couple yr. I used to love 3d, rendering, learning new things. Now I have no passion, no energy to put a scene together to render, and can't even seem to learn new things. Working here keeps me in touch with 3d. I love the ppl I work with and enjoy being here every day. It's like a mini-vaca to get away from 'home'. LOL.

I suffer from issues of depression and anxiety. Many of you experience and choose to share since it's safe here. I don't feel bad about letting ppl know because it's a so prevalent everywhere with the economy, social issues, and the violence here and around the world. It can also be personal issues as well as we all know. I am maxed out on on 2 anti-depressants and don't feel any better at all. One of my major issues is environmental according to my dr. He says since I'm so unhappy with my location and surroundings with no hope of getting out, that it causes me to remain this way. I feel hopeless and helpless to change things since I want to move but hubby doesn't since he was born here and all his friends and family are here. I was born over 1500 miles from here where all my friends and family are, so it creates a lot of bad feelings. Since I've been here, I've lost my mother and 3 brothers and wasn't there for any of it. Such guilt and pain. Two of the brothers were twins, and died 4 months apart which was extra tough.
Back home, we have beautiful weather in the fall and snow in the winter which I love. If we were to move to a location where I had 4 real seasons, cool weather, and places where I can walk, hike, and enjoy nature, then I'd be happy as a clam and have no need for medication. Not saying to move back home, just somewhere for me to get away from the constant heat, humidity, rain 6 months a year and the threat of hurricanes from June-January. All that contributes to my depression and anxiety, plus panic if I know a hurricane in coming at us like Harvey did last year. Don't know if you guys have ever had to board up every window in your house, lose water, electric, eat food out of an ice chest, etc. You're in the dark with a couple flashlights for several days. All you can do is hide in the house and listen to the constant high winds and pounding rain for days on end. We did the same thing years ago with Katrina. It's terrifying for me since I didn't grow up with anything like this. To constantly on alert and anxious for months on end while the news ppl tell you every 5 minutes about tropical depressions in the gulf, possible hurricanes coming our way, etc. I'm so over it. I'm surprised the entire gulf coast isn't on medication.
Anyway, it's good to know you aren't the only one when you're sitting at home thinking you are. You aren't, that's been proven just right here. It's hard to cheer up and look to the future and ignore those ppl who keep telling you 'snap out of it '. But keep your head straight and look down the road, even if you force it and have to remind yourself every day. We're worth it.

Living here in the UK we do not have the extremes of weather seen elsewhere in the world, and although we do have high wind and floods it is all fairly moderate in comparison. It is therefore hard for me to imagine the terror of living in an area where such violent weather is common. What I do know is that I would suffer to live in such conditions, I cannot begin to imagine how I would come to terms with expecting a disaster at any point. I would not have the first clue how to start again if I were to lose everything and I suspect I would move heaven and earth to live in a place where I would not have to try and live with such fear.

I really do feel for you but I cannot imagine how anyone could live in such conditions without anxiety and fear and depression would seem to be a common concern in such conditions. Of course understanding some of the causes does not make the depression go away. I hope life takes a turn for the better for you soon and you find somewhere you feel safe.

 

[wendyluvscatz]

do have your thyroid function tested and other possible medical causes too ❤

 

[pommerlis]

@Lyne You know, it's the reason this is the only store I want to be a vendor and customer. Because of the patience, no pressure and easy going atmosphere.
Sending big hugz.

 

[sapat]

Thank you everyone for you loving and kind words. I think sharing is one of the most important things we can do. It's like online group therapy if you will. Listening to others with the same disease in common does make you feel less like "I'm the only one. Nobody else could feel this way" " I'm such a failure and have let myself and others down". I know just like others that it's like climbing uphill through tar. And ppl (including my husband) say 'snap out of it', or 'what are you crying about now'. Things like that don't help and further destroy your sense of self.
Like Carmen, I don't go anywhere, I don't want to be around ppl, or in crowds. If we do go out, I always want a booth on the perimeter so I can hide. I always feel like ppl are staring and judging. They aren't, but you feel all eyes on you. So I just stay in the house. I do go to the grocery store and the dr, but that's it. I also have a 'zone' I stay within when I drive which is not very far away from the house. Just far enough to go to the grocery store. Lots of times I do an online order for groceries from my store, and even pay online. They come out and put them in the car and you don't have to go in. It costs $4.00, but it's worth every penny to me.
I had to have my psych dr write the county court for permanent dismissal for jury duty because the court house is 35 miles away and the only way there is the freeway. I can't drive on the freeway due to panic attacks.
Also like Carmen and others, your creativity suffers due to your world slowly becoming smaller. Shrinking brain is something I can relate to. Being alone all day every day with no one to talk to makes me not only less creative, but forgetful since my brain isn't being stimulated. Like her, I feel the atrophy. I don't remember things. Sometimes I'll just draw a blank on how to do something I've done for years. I always have to write notes. Depression is depressing! The last few times I went to Starbucks I couldn't remember how to pay with my app. I ended up giving my phone to the barista to do it. I was so embarrassed. This has happened twice recently.
But, we move on despite what tries to hold us back. I've had a battery of blood tests....no less then 30+ recently from the rheumatologist. The thyroid and other things were normal! I had a CT of the brain a few weeks ago and I still have a brain!! So yay for that! I've tried to be more upbeat lately. Try to smile more. Try to interact more with my husband more since he's the only person in the world I have to talk to. I'm upbeat when I'm at the store...even when random strangers in an aisle will mention a product to me and we might talk for 5 minutes about other things. When my hubby gets tired of me being tired all the time, or crying over what he thinks is nothing, I tell him 'you know you catch more flies with honey than vinegar'. And I do it with a smile on my face!!
So even though some of my feelings are forced, I'm hoping they will stick and become more like the old me. I was a fun, outgoing, happy person at one time. With any luck, I'll get back there! So we need to keep pushing and 'fake it til we make it'.

 

[Lyne]

do have your thyroid function tested and other possible medical causes too ❤

I have sever FM, and IBS, asthma, low immune system since birth, sever s curve scoliosis... and on and on...I've been to doctors all my life and have the best care
possible with the (still) little understood about these syndromes.

 

[Lyne]

So many people, men and women alike, have this base underlying belief of "not being enough" which means we tell ourselves we don't "deserve" the kindness we so freely give away to others. We absolutely are enough and we absolutely do deserve kindness from ourselves and to ourselves.

We ARE absolutely worth it!

WELL SAID!

Yes, we have to accept this in and of and for ourselves, which is VERY VER hard to do, when life has battered us around... but at least it's the one thing I've learned in this life...others can't "make me" feel good, I'm responsible for my own outlook....I know in reality I DO do the best I can...and still echo your other words often : be gentle with yourself....

 

[sapat]

I feel for you Lyne. I have health issues which limit me as far as what I can do. I also use a cane, so that's a limiter to. Ugh.
As we have said, others can't make us happy, we have to look deep into ourselves and start on the road to making ourselves happy, or at least less sad. It's a slow process. We just need to keep at it for however long it takes.

 

[pommerlis]

Like Carmen, I don't go anywhere, I don't want to be around ppl, or in crowds. If we do go out, I always want a booth on the perimeter so I can hide. I always feel like ppl are staring and judging. They aren't, but you feel all eyes on you. So I just stay in the house.

I can so relate to this. Way back in the day - primary school - I was bullied. It was started by a teacher back then and it lasted the whole 6 years of primary school. When I had to go to highschool I was scared of people in general, what they would do, how they would see me. My sanctuary was home, my parents.
I managed to survive my schoolyears, being ever so carefull not to stand out, not to get better grades or perform to well. Make sure to me mediocre so no one would notice me in the crowd.
When I finished highschool work came and before I started my job I threw myself in the deep end by travelling to London on my own to visit a friend - a pen pal I had for years. First time alone travel via plane. It was terrible for me at the time but it build my selfesteem tremendously.
And with the help of my hardrocking friends back in the day I got stronger.
My dad passed in 1989. I'm an only child, no brothers and sisters so when my mum died 5 years ago my foundation was blown away.
People tell me all the time to 'let it go', it's been 5 years allready, move on and I know, I know I can't sit here all day feeling sorry for myself and give in to this fear of the outside world like I was when I was I child. I know I have to 'get out there', not isolate. But that is hard sometimes and the internet makes it soooo easy doesn't it.
So I made a deal with myself. Every now and then I allow myself to be to little to face the world and travel back in time so I can hide for a day. Just a day mind you. When morning comes I have to be grown up again.

So maybe I do not suffer depression but I get that fear of the world feeling so well. And however scaring it is sweetheart, the only way is to go right through it.
My outlet has always been music - dance mostly but my FM destroyed that so now it's my Art and doodling in Poser and Daz. But when I let my anxiety take control nothing works so I try very hard to control my anxiety.

We are absolutely worth it! It's up to each of us to give ourselves what we so freely give to others.

I remember when helping my mom through rough spots in her life she would listen and then look at me with excitement and hope in her eyes and say, "Lisa, can you just sit here on my shoulder and whisper those good things in my ear all day?" It always made me sigh with exasperation. Of course I would if I could, especially for someone I love, but of course I can't.

I would explain to her that it's up to her to remember the things that make her feel good and feed them to herself. To find and give herself credit for her victories. That every day has something in it that required courage to overcome and that in every day, no matter how bad it went, there was something to be grateful for.

So many people, men and women alike, have this base underlying belief of "not being enough" which means we tell ourselves we don't "deserve" the kindness we so freely give away to others. We absolutely are enough and we absolutely do deserve kindness from ourselves and to ourselves.

We ARE absolutely worth it!

You are sweet Lisa and I keep saying the same to others.
Now I've been spending a lifetime trying to figure out how to say this to myself. Weird isn't it?!

 

[Satira Capriccio]

Not so weird at all. It's hard to get through to an adult with their decades of negative reinforcement.

So ... I started with the lost little girl inside me who thought she was worth absolutely nothing. I'd comfort her as I hadn't allowed anyone to comfort me, and I reassured her over and over just how talented she grew up to be, and how smart, and that she really was a most wonderful and caring person.

I figured since it started when I was so young, perhaps that was the key for me.

You are sweet Lisa and I keep saying the same to others.
Now I've been spending a lifetime trying to figure out how to say this to myself. Weird isn't it?!

 

[Lyne]

I started with the lost little girl inside me who thought she was worth absolutely nothing. I'd comfort her as I hadn't allowed anyone to comfort me, and I reassured her over and over just how talented she grew up to be, and how smart, and that she really was a most wonderful and caring person.

Your words ring SO true for me!

 

[Lyne]

I'm in a mode of "fighting back" right now...havn't been around here much after my spate of art pieces...apparently my lungs really took in more plaster dust from the re-piping I had to have done, in spite of all the care I took (masks, staying in closed room, AC filtering, etc.) I COULN'T have a mask on every minute tho....so now I'm stuck in an endless cycle of asthma...coughing causes phlegm, causes coughing, causes...and on and on... I'm beyond frustrated but as I said, fighting back... to whit:

Getting Old Isn't for Sissies!

Getting old is not at all for sissies!
We have to put up with all kinds of ickies!
We must be braver than we've ever been,
In spite of what aging does inside our skin!

So hang in there; know you're not going to die,
In spite of your frustration, and the number of sighs,
Hang on by your fingernails, try not to ask "why".
Know it is not quite time yet, to say Good bye.

Be thankful for the supportive friends that you've got,
Who can offer new ideas or share a positive thought.
Commiserate together over all of our ickies!
And agree that getting old is truly not for sissies!
~Lyne's Creations

PS and I do have all the lung meds, to help keep my lungs open, am taking a tussin with that phlegm 'getter outer' stuff... etc. I'm an old hand at this.

 

[Miss B]

Fighting back is the best thing you can do Lyne. I know, because that's what I had to do to make it through to where I am today. My issues were more emotional, rather than physical, but it was a hard time in my life. It took the better part of 10 years, gaining 50 pounds, and starting to smoke again after a 7-year hiatus, to get my act together so I could start losing the weight, stop smoking again, and start feeling better about the issues that had upset me in the first place.

The ultimate turning point was when I decided to take early retirement at the age of 60. It took 19 months, but I lost almost 25 lbs, started working out regularly at the gym, and my emotional state got back on track. Do I still have moments when I think I'll break down and cry? Sure, we all have those moments, but fighting back has kept me on a fairly even keel the past 14 1/2 years, and I plan to continue fighting back with the help of close friends, what's left of my immediate family (my niece, nephew and their families), and the rather huge number of online friends I've made over the past 18-20 years I've been dabbling in 3D graphics in one format or another.

This is one of the friendliest online groups I've had the pleasure to be a part of, and I hope we can all continue to be a part of this wonderful group for a long time to come.

 

[pommerlis]

gaining 50 pounds

Yes! What is that though?! When I was young and dancing I weighed like 90 pounds or so. I hit menopause and poof,...I suddenly expand with a swimmingtube around my waist!
And all of a sudden I have these boobs and a tush?! Like 40 years to late! Nooow nature suddenly gives me a figure and I have to mind my eating!?
What is up with that?!