Carey
Extraordinary
Many here know I recently underwent heart valve replacement,
now I am in cardiac rehab. I came out of that surgery weak as a two day old kitten.....Now I have fight my way back, yes I do mean fight. I should not have lived, yes I know in this day and age heart surgery is almost routine, mine was not do to a number of factors. To make what is most likely a very grand story shorter. I wish to say this. I gained a new life, A grander life perhaps, but one with limits, concerns and problems... I had been working out for about two months, working out on legs lifts, petal machines, I felt much stronger and there was one machine I had my eye on....The treadmill machine... Finally one day I grabbed a nurse and I started walking,I only lasted a minute. legs went rubber on me..Silly really to expect more really, but I had great hopes...I had never been told why I was losing the use of my legs...I'd pester doctors and all I would get is dumb looks. I was never told that heart surgery would give me back my legs, but I was never told it wouldn't...Was it so much to wish for? I didn't say anything as I more or less fell back into my wheel chair. There are moments in life when reality slaps you right across the face as I caught the look of disappointment in my wife's eye and shock on the nurses face as my legs folded under me. I even smiled as if it was all no big deal...The realization that I indeed was to live, but life would more then likely depend on four wheels...I should have died, There was even a time I asked my doctor to be allowed to do so, granted at the time I was already three quarters there. All my doctor had to do was let it happen. Twenty days of fighting for each breath on the promise of that doctor that he would allow me to be at peace if what he had in mind didn't work... I was very lucky, yet late at night when no one is around I let my head drop, damned fool thing to shed tears over really.....
now I am in cardiac rehab. I came out of that surgery weak as a two day old kitten.....Now I have fight my way back, yes I do mean fight. I should not have lived, yes I know in this day and age heart surgery is almost routine, mine was not do to a number of factors. To make what is most likely a very grand story shorter. I wish to say this. I gained a new life, A grander life perhaps, but one with limits, concerns and problems... I had been working out for about two months, working out on legs lifts, petal machines, I felt much stronger and there was one machine I had my eye on....The treadmill machine... Finally one day I grabbed a nurse and I started walking,I only lasted a minute. legs went rubber on me..Silly really to expect more really, but I had great hopes...I had never been told why I was losing the use of my legs...I'd pester doctors and all I would get is dumb looks. I was never told that heart surgery would give me back my legs, but I was never told it wouldn't...Was it so much to wish for? I didn't say anything as I more or less fell back into my wheel chair. There are moments in life when reality slaps you right across the face as I caught the look of disappointment in my wife's eye and shock on the nurses face as my legs folded under me. I even smiled as if it was all no big deal...The realization that I indeed was to live, but life would more then likely depend on four wheels...I should have died, There was even a time I asked my doctor to be allowed to do so, granted at the time I was already three quarters there. All my doctor had to do was let it happen. Twenty days of fighting for each breath on the promise of that doctor that he would allow me to be at peace if what he had in mind didn't work... I was very lucky, yet late at night when no one is around I let my head drop, damned fool thing to shed tears over really.....
Since my surgery two years ago I've had to struggle with more weakening of the legs, since nothing will take away leg strength like bed confinement....so now I'm still in the slow process of trying to regain strength, as much as possible. Meanwhile, I have to focus on the strength that I do have, and the tools that I can use to maintain independence. I find that I have to pour my energy and thoughts on creative solutions to make routine lifestyle easier. For example, in order to bring groceries in the house, what was once a simple task, is now a challenge...but I wanted to work out a solution in order to remain independent...I wanted to do it myself....so I started using extra large sized canvas bags and light weight canvas rolling carts, and loading them up, I'm able to drag them by the handles to the kitchen while I roll myself backwards in a chair. Might sound ridiculous, but it works beautifully, and it took the strain off of my legs, and also the over-exertion (and shortness of breath) while trying to carry things using a cane. All of that to say, you will grieve the loss of strength for a season....that's normal and to be expected....but the sooner you focus on problem solving, and solutions, the sooner you'll feel your dignity and sense of purpose returning. So hang in there....the fact that you're in touch with how you're feeling now will work well in your favor later.
