Aww... A duckie... Uh, I mean a duck.
We used to have a pair of ducks that nested under a juniper shrub in front of the house.
Did you know an angry duck will hiss at you?
Neither did I.
It doesn't sound like a sound that should be coming from a duck.
It was my fault I got hissed at, as I accidentally discovered her nest while doing spring cleaning.
Otherwise the ducks were our friends... We used to call them the "Good Luck Ducks" because they showed up right about the same time we found out my wife was carrying twins (internally, we would of noticed them externally much sooner)... Their first brood was two chicks, so it was kinda symbolic.
I never chase ducks as they mind their own business and don't poop everywhere and act all belligerent.
I do chase geese.
Long Island has a bit of a problem with illegal Canadian Geese...
Apparently border patrol lets them sneak over from Canada to eat our delicious American grass and crap all over our delicious American lawns.
Most of the year you can't find the tiniest patch of grass uncrapped on by these Canadian interlopers, and to make matters worse, scientists are saying most of these freeloading illegal Canadians aren't even migrating back anymore.
I suspect these geese don't even pay taxes.
Some of these geese may be working together with Burmese Pythons (none of which are named Monty, I may add) and a network of South America Nutria (giant water rats) for unknown purposes.
Recent intelligence has shown that the BP and SAN have had meetings with cells of Chinese Mitten Crabs, Killer Shrimp and Reeve's Muntjac* in the UK and according to chatter (mostly from the muntjac, as crabs and shrimp are kinda quite) they are planning something big.
Probably something unpleasant or terribly inconvenient.
Think of that...
Inconvenient.
For years I've been warning of this goose threat and I say while we are going off the deep end globally, we go all the way.
The hell with reason.
For years I've been saying Long Island should have built a 30,000 foot high wall around itself to keep out these birds, some of which I'm sure are quite nice, but most aren't...
Back then people said I was nuts, the wall was too tall and airplanes would crash into it or that I wasn't orange enough to to say such stupid things.
But look at where we are today.
I think it's Sunday... I'm pretty sure it's the weekend.
Can you imagine that?
Despite that alarming development, I say we think not of our collective lawns... Not of the soles of our shoes, nor those of our children, defiled by goose feces...
Think of the golf courses and exclusive country clubs that suffer from this blight.
Think of the poor wealthy golfers who must golf around huge piles of festering goose dung.
Can we let them be mildly inconvenienced and still turn a blind eye?
Well, yeah.
But should we?
Well, yeah to that too... But...
It's not fair if we do and besides... these geese are part of a bigger threat...
I can't find my crayons right now, but if I could, I'd draw you the full picture of what this means...
And I guarantee it would have dinosaurs and aliens in it too.
Scary, am I right?
I'm not saying you should panic, but you really should.
You should also completely trust me, because at this point, is it really going to matter that much?
Seriously, I think not.
My solution is to build not a 30,000 ft wall between Canada (and one around the UK too, because they are okay and at this point on the same handbasket ride too)...
I say we build a wall to the edge of the Thermosphere in case the geese ever develope space suits, and we arm everyone with flamethrowers and tomahawks.
Sure it might make flying a plane a bit deadly or even slightly fatal, but it's a small price to pay for clean golf shoes.
But yeah...
Ducks... They are sure cute.
*Spellcheck knows "Muntjac", but still can't spell "cannibalism"... $&%# you Apple.