Mythocentric
Extraordinary
I decided to take a leaf out of Lorraines book and start a collective story entitled 'The History Of The World According To The Hive'. I've written the first bit and now throw it open to all you budding writers out there (illustrations will also be welcome provided they help the story along). So please jump aboard and feel free to add your contribution to the mix.*
*Please! Otherwise I'm going to feel pretty silly spending all day exercising my brain for nothing!
The Celestial Aardvark opened His/Her/Its eyes and gazed sleepily around. He/She/It wasn’t sure what had disturbed their slumber, but for an instant there they could have sworn they heard a sound which went something like………….BANG!
They looked around themselves, taking in the view which consisted, at the moment, of a lot of dark, empty nothing speckled by bright, hot, swirly bits scattered randomly about the place. “I don’t remember seeing that before!” They thought. “Come to think of it, I don’t remember before!” “Still! They seem to keep the place nice and warm though!” They tentatively sniffed at a nearby gas cloud. Long, prehensile nose savouring the aroma before flicking out its tongue and swallowing the gas cloud whole. “Hummm! Quite tasty too!”
They shuffled about, then settled down in search of a nice, long snooze. Meanwhile, deep inside, the gas cloud, upon meeting the Celestial Aardvarks gastric juices began to expand, and change
Silence covered the Void. Apart that is except for a few gentle eructations from the direction of the Celestial Aardvark who slumbered in their infinite innocence. Within their vast innards the gas cloud, having exceeded the capacity of their stomach began to issue forth, gathering speed as it went. Eons passed as the Celestial Aardvark lay, vaguely aware by now that something quite unexpected was about to happen, but not sure what, began to climb towards consciousness. Silence, being available in infinite amounts at the time, covered the Void again.
Suddenly, the Celestial Aardvark sat bolt upright. They just had time to think, “What the…..!” before the gas cloud, by now moving in excess of light speed, forced their jaws wide and burst forth, thus uttering the Word which would forever change the nature of everything. And the Word was……………
POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!
(Try it yourself with lots of sub-bass, some reverb with a load of sustain and perhaps a nice slow, fading echo effect at the end there. Got it? OK! On with the show!)
Thus ended the first day.
On the morning of the second day, the Celestial Aardvark opened their eyes and took in the view. The eternal darkness. The clouds of hot, swirly gas which on reflection seemed to be a bit further apart than yesterday. Their gaze swept across the void, briefly noting in passing the small, hairy creature standing before them.
All was peaceful in the Void. Their head snapped back around to the small, hairy creature. Eyes strained to focus on the creature down the length of their nose. For a time beyond measure they stared at the creature, who in his turn, stared back. After an infinity, the Celestial Aardvark, eyes watering slightly, spoke.
“What the bloody Nora are you supposed to be?”
“Don’t ask me pal”, replied the creature. “You created me didn’t yer!”
“?” The Celestial Aardvark responded.
“Yes you did mate! Yesterday! There I was, a nice little cloud of gas one minute tootlling along minding me own business then WHAMMY! You pops up out of the whatsit, speaks the Word and here I am! All very miffic if you arsk me!”
“I did?”
“Yes you did. Made me in your own image you did!”
“WHAT?”
They stood staring at each other, weighing up their options before the small, hairy creature ventured,
“Looks like you sort of lost something in translation pal, dunnit! How long have you been doing this creating stuff anyway?”
“Harrumph! Well let’s see. There was a sort of bangy noise and I woke up. Then I ate this cloud thingy, said the word and ah…………….since yesterday!”
“Ah there you go then! That’s yer miffics for yer. Unexplainable an all that!”
“?”
“Anyway! Now that I’m here what do you command of me Oh Great One?” Queried the hairy one.
“Ah! Now you’ve got us there! I don’t know really” They paused. “I don’t suppose you’d like to just, you know, tootle along and do your own thing kind of?”
The small, hairy creature glared at the Celestial Aardvark, causing them to take a precautionary step back.
“So that’s yer game is it? Yer go round creating then deny yer responsibilities is it? Screamed the little one. “Well let me tell you matey, you started it so you’ve got to look out for me, OK? Yours to command an nourisheth an all that!”
“All right then”, replied the somewhat exasperated Celestial Aardvark, “try this one for size. Why don’t you just f………………..go forth and multiply!”
“Oh yeah! And just where am I supposed to multiply then? Seems to me your getting a bit ahead of yourself, if you take my meaning! I means, what kind of Void would it be wiv billions of me’s floating about cloggin’ the place up?”
“What in my name are you blabbering on about now?”
“Look! The first fing. The first fing, right? Before you can multiply is you’ve got to have a nice bit of firmament to multiply in, innit? You know. Ground an grass an trees and fings! I mean you can’t just set about it here can you?”
“Look!” The hairy one went on. “There’s a nice empty bit over there, just by that sun thingy. Just beggin’ for a bit of firmament that is. So you do yer stuff an I’ll toddle along!”
The Celestial Aardvark followed the direction of the outstretched finger, concentrated then wiggled their nose.
“Ooh! Very nice oh Great One. Just the thing that. In fact I’d venture so far as to say perfick! Now you just create the female and off we go for a nice bit of multiplying!”
“The what?”
“Yer knows! The female. The other half! Her indoors!”
”Nope! Sorry! I don’t quite follow!”
“Strewth! You miffical lot are a bit of hard work an no mistake! Look, I’m a male right?” A quick glance down confirms that this is in fact the case. “So, in order to go forth, etc., you’ve got to have the other one. The female, innit? You know! And cleveth them one unto the other, male and female and multiplieth they across the face of the earth sort of fing”
“Eer! What’s a female?”
“Look! Have a good fink then tell me, which gender sort of fing are you?”
“We are the Celestial Aardvark. We are all things!”
“Right squire! What you do then is, you takes a good look inside, put aside the male bits and what’s left is the other one, the female, ok?”
The eyes of the Celestial Aardvark closed as the small being watched. After a while he sat down upon the face of the Void as a range of interesting expressions passed over the Great Ones visage. After an eternity, the Great Ones eyes sprung open and he spoke thus.
“Bloody Nora”, they cried. “Who’d have thought it?”
The little one scrambled to his feet. “All sorted then? Everything tickity-boo? Yer gonna make me a female?”
“Already done! She’s waiting for you in that big garden thing near that river just down there”
“Sorted then”, said the little one, clapping his hands in glee. “I’ll be off then oh Great One”.
He ran towards the firmament and his waiting bride, pausing briefly to call back over his shoulder, “I’ll be sure to invite you to all of the christenings!”
He ran on his voice drifting back along his path, “Oh! By the way. I’ve decided to call us hooman beans, alright? See you soon!”
“Not if I can bloody help it”, muttered the Celestial Aardvark.
*Please! Otherwise I'm going to feel pretty silly spending all day exercising my brain for nothing!
THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD ACCORDING TO THE HIVE.
The Celestial Aardvark opened His/Her/Its eyes and gazed sleepily around. He/She/It wasn’t sure what had disturbed their slumber, but for an instant there they could have sworn they heard a sound which went something like………….BANG!
They looked around themselves, taking in the view which consisted, at the moment, of a lot of dark, empty nothing speckled by bright, hot, swirly bits scattered randomly about the place. “I don’t remember seeing that before!” They thought. “Come to think of it, I don’t remember before!” “Still! They seem to keep the place nice and warm though!” They tentatively sniffed at a nearby gas cloud. Long, prehensile nose savouring the aroma before flicking out its tongue and swallowing the gas cloud whole. “Hummm! Quite tasty too!”
They shuffled about, then settled down in search of a nice, long snooze. Meanwhile, deep inside, the gas cloud, upon meeting the Celestial Aardvarks gastric juices began to expand, and change
Silence covered the Void. Apart that is except for a few gentle eructations from the direction of the Celestial Aardvark who slumbered in their infinite innocence. Within their vast innards the gas cloud, having exceeded the capacity of their stomach began to issue forth, gathering speed as it went. Eons passed as the Celestial Aardvark lay, vaguely aware by now that something quite unexpected was about to happen, but not sure what, began to climb towards consciousness. Silence, being available in infinite amounts at the time, covered the Void again.
Suddenly, the Celestial Aardvark sat bolt upright. They just had time to think, “What the…..!” before the gas cloud, by now moving in excess of light speed, forced their jaws wide and burst forth, thus uttering the Word which would forever change the nature of everything. And the Word was……………
POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!
(Try it yourself with lots of sub-bass, some reverb with a load of sustain and perhaps a nice slow, fading echo effect at the end there. Got it? OK! On with the show!)
Thus ended the first day.
On the morning of the second day, the Celestial Aardvark opened their eyes and took in the view. The eternal darkness. The clouds of hot, swirly gas which on reflection seemed to be a bit further apart than yesterday. Their gaze swept across the void, briefly noting in passing the small, hairy creature standing before them.
All was peaceful in the Void. Their head snapped back around to the small, hairy creature. Eyes strained to focus on the creature down the length of their nose. For a time beyond measure they stared at the creature, who in his turn, stared back. After an infinity, the Celestial Aardvark, eyes watering slightly, spoke.
“What the bloody Nora are you supposed to be?”
“Don’t ask me pal”, replied the creature. “You created me didn’t yer!”
“?” The Celestial Aardvark responded.
“Yes you did mate! Yesterday! There I was, a nice little cloud of gas one minute tootlling along minding me own business then WHAMMY! You pops up out of the whatsit, speaks the Word and here I am! All very miffic if you arsk me!”
“I did?”
“Yes you did. Made me in your own image you did!”
“WHAT?”
They stood staring at each other, weighing up their options before the small, hairy creature ventured,
“Looks like you sort of lost something in translation pal, dunnit! How long have you been doing this creating stuff anyway?”
“Harrumph! Well let’s see. There was a sort of bangy noise and I woke up. Then I ate this cloud thingy, said the word and ah…………….since yesterday!”
“Ah there you go then! That’s yer miffics for yer. Unexplainable an all that!”
“?”
“Anyway! Now that I’m here what do you command of me Oh Great One?” Queried the hairy one.
“Ah! Now you’ve got us there! I don’t know really” They paused. “I don’t suppose you’d like to just, you know, tootle along and do your own thing kind of?”
The small, hairy creature glared at the Celestial Aardvark, causing them to take a precautionary step back.
“So that’s yer game is it? Yer go round creating then deny yer responsibilities is it? Screamed the little one. “Well let me tell you matey, you started it so you’ve got to look out for me, OK? Yours to command an nourisheth an all that!”
“All right then”, replied the somewhat exasperated Celestial Aardvark, “try this one for size. Why don’t you just f………………..go forth and multiply!”
“Oh yeah! And just where am I supposed to multiply then? Seems to me your getting a bit ahead of yourself, if you take my meaning! I means, what kind of Void would it be wiv billions of me’s floating about cloggin’ the place up?”
“What in my name are you blabbering on about now?”
“Look! The first fing. The first fing, right? Before you can multiply is you’ve got to have a nice bit of firmament to multiply in, innit? You know. Ground an grass an trees and fings! I mean you can’t just set about it here can you?”
“Look!” The hairy one went on. “There’s a nice empty bit over there, just by that sun thingy. Just beggin’ for a bit of firmament that is. So you do yer stuff an I’ll toddle along!”
The Celestial Aardvark followed the direction of the outstretched finger, concentrated then wiggled their nose.
“Ooh! Very nice oh Great One. Just the thing that. In fact I’d venture so far as to say perfick! Now you just create the female and off we go for a nice bit of multiplying!”
“The what?”
“Yer knows! The female. The other half! Her indoors!”
”Nope! Sorry! I don’t quite follow!”
“Strewth! You miffical lot are a bit of hard work an no mistake! Look, I’m a male right?” A quick glance down confirms that this is in fact the case. “So, in order to go forth, etc., you’ve got to have the other one. The female, innit? You know! And cleveth them one unto the other, male and female and multiplieth they across the face of the earth sort of fing”
“Eer! What’s a female?”
“Look! Have a good fink then tell me, which gender sort of fing are you?”
“We are the Celestial Aardvark. We are all things!”
“Right squire! What you do then is, you takes a good look inside, put aside the male bits and what’s left is the other one, the female, ok?”
The eyes of the Celestial Aardvark closed as the small being watched. After a while he sat down upon the face of the Void as a range of interesting expressions passed over the Great Ones visage. After an eternity, the Great Ones eyes sprung open and he spoke thus.
“Bloody Nora”, they cried. “Who’d have thought it?”
The little one scrambled to his feet. “All sorted then? Everything tickity-boo? Yer gonna make me a female?”
“Already done! She’s waiting for you in that big garden thing near that river just down there”
“Sorted then”, said the little one, clapping his hands in glee. “I’ll be off then oh Great One”.
He ran towards the firmament and his waiting bride, pausing briefly to call back over his shoulder, “I’ll be sure to invite you to all of the christenings!”
He ran on his voice drifting back along his path, “Oh! By the way. I’ve decided to call us hooman beans, alright? See you soon!”
“Not if I can bloody help it”, muttered the Celestial Aardvark.
