Hello and good whatever time of day it is when you are reading this!
If you are really bored or perhaps trapped under a large shelving unit waiting for help to arrive, I thought I might share a few thoughts...
Before you start reading this I just want to point out that you shouldn't read this as it's probably not good for your health, mental wellbeing or property values... It's just a bad idea to read it.
Anyway... This is about Holiday stress...
I've probably mentioned this before, but I'm not a holiday sorta person...
I like the idea of peace on earth and goodwill to mankind, but the holidays drive me nuts.
I don't know if it's the insistent commercialism, the obnoxious shoppers or the fact that Krampus bit me when I was a lad, but I try and bear with it... ( I even dress up as a bear sometimes, but it doesn't help).
I suppose one of the things that really aggravates me is holiday music.
It's okay in the right context...
At a party where you have a keg of rum under one arm and can barely stand, perhaps... Or you are having fun and it's not loud and drowning out your thoughts...
If you have to say "What?... I can't hear you over Bing friggin Crosby singing about snow"... More than once, it's set to obnoxious level.
My wife loves the holidays, my kids love the holidays, but I'm like a cat in a crate full of lobsters.
Live lobsters...
Not cooked with butter... That's just a fat greasy cat.
It's my problem, my shortcoming, so I really try not to put down the holidays or ruin it for other people.
I'm getting to a point, so bear with me...
Grrrraaar!... Get it... Bear... Ehgh, anyway...
I know I mention Home Depot a lot too, and I'm aware that they are also located outside the U.S. as well (for those of you not in the U.S.), but to those who aren't aware of what Home Depot is...
(Well, one... Good for you!) it's a chain of large warehouse type do-it-yourself hardware/home building/lumber/annoying stores...
Because I build and fix stuff a lot I'm always going to them to buy stuff... In fact I end up having to shop a lot...
As great as the Internet is, there is a lot of stuff I have to see in hand to judge if it fits the bill.
Sometimes I even have to go to Target or Walmart to find stuff...
I really hate shopping.
One of the great things about Home Depot is that they are each the size of one of those World War One steampunk fantasy Zeppelin hangers and you get lots of exercise exploring them because they frequently decide that something like epoxy putty is better of in the gardening section then in paint...
Why are tarps in plumbing ?... Who knows...
Just search the 32 aisles in the store looking for lock lubricant... It's fun!
And nobody who works in the stores really pays much attention to were stuff is, so you really end up doing a lot of walking...
A lot.
Not just walking... driving too!
If you need three boiler sight glasses, there will be one in each of three stores.
You'll have to visit five store to find the three that they are actually in.
Because if you ask anyone who works there to check what stores have the item, they'll tell you that each of the nearest stores have two thousand of them, but when you arrive at said location, apparently two seconds before, there was a mad rush on whatever the item is and there is either one or none left.
It doesn't matter what the item is, they are rolling in them before you arrive, but when you get there the magic hardware goblins have just spirited them off moments before.
So that's the setup so far... I'm holiday challenged and I hate shopping, and most times I have to go to fifty stores to get the stuff I need...
This morning I had to go to four Home Depots... Bright and early.
Home Depots open at ungodly hours... Well before all the creepy things that haunt the night go back to their dark abodes...
Actually in fact, technically Home Depots never really close...
To customers, yes, but all night long the are filled with inventory people.
Doing whatever the hell inventory people do...
I have no idea what they do all night, but it apparently involves driving into stuff with fork lifts and stacking stuff precariously in as Doctor Suess-like a manner as possible on high shelves dozens of feet in the air...
I honestly picture all night drunken forklift wars and intoxicated surly loraxes tossing boxes up on shelves...
I don't understand why they call it the inventory shift because they are always out of everything... Maybe the inventory part involves noting they are out of something like say 3"x5 "mending plates and muttering "ain't that a damn shame" while waiting for your turn at forklift rugby...
Oh... I should also point out another key detail in case you have never been in a Home Depot...
Recently they have started adding these little devices with a camera, TV monitor and a chime to most aisles.
They stick out into the aisle about a foot, videotape you and go "Beeeee-beeee" as you approach.
I suppose the monitor is so you can see how annoyed you look when the thing goes "Beeeee-beeee" as you pass...
All six of them along the length of the aisle.
So where ever you go you are leaving a magical trail of "Beeeee-beeees" behind you.
I suppose the idea is to deter shoplifting by making it unbearably annoying to even walk down the aisle.
It's also great for raising your blood pressure as you are examining stuff on a shelf, as the slightest movement like breathing or digestion sets off the "Beeeee-beeee"...
So you'll be looking for router bits and hearing "Beeeee-beeee".... "Beeeee-beeee"... "Beeeee-beeee"... "Beeeee-beeee".... "Beeeee-beeee"...
And of course on the other side of the aisle there is a guy rolling a broken steel cart full lumber and steel garbage cans filled with cuckoo clocks and cannon balls...
So you hear "Beeeee-beeee-Beeeee-beeee-Beeeee-beeee-CRASH-Beeeee-beeee-Beeeee-beeee-CRUNCH-Beeeee-beeee-BANG-CRASH-Beeee-beeee-CUCKOO-CUCKOO-Beeeee-beeee-KABOOM-Beeeee-beeee-Beeeee-beeee-CRASH-BOOM- Meeeeow-BANG-Beeeee-beeee-Beeeee-beeee-Beeeee-beeee"!
Mind you, there is really nobody in the store save for a few sleepy employees, me and the guy who couldn't steer a cart to save his life (which is unfair since it's missing two of the six wheels and the other four are each tragically deformed in some manner)...
Fun fact...
Some sounds can drill into your very soul.
At 7:30 am the monitor really comes in handy so you can see what you look like as you become angered and outraged and that startling metamorphosis occurs which transforms you into the Incredibly Pissed Off Hulk.
It's quite informative.
There is almost no way of controlling that raging spirit that dwells within, because trust me Mr. McGee, that Christmas music isn't helping any and you aren't gonna like me very much when I'm listening to Christmas music...
Now pause for a second...
While all this is going on, in the opposite aisle there are a bunch of inflatable musical Santas, snowmen and for some inexplicable reason a friggin' Christmas dragon...
What branch of Christianity has a fricken dragon?
Whatever...
But each of these eight ginormous Macy's Parade float size contraptions is playing a slightly different version of jingle bells or Santa Claws is coming to town, at slightly different speeds at full volume...
Overlap that with "Beeeee-beeee-Beeeee-beeee-Beeeee-beeee-CRASH-Beeeee-beeee-Beeeee-beeee-CRUNCH-Beeeee-beeee-BANG-CRASH-Beeee-beeee-CUCKOO-CUCKOO-Beeeee-beeee-KABOOM-Beeeee-beeee-Beeeee-beeee-CRASH-BOOM- Meeeeow-BANG-Beeeee-beeee-Beeeee-beeee-Beeeee-beeee"...
ALL WHILE BING FRICKIN' CROSBY IS CROONING ABOUT A WHITE CHRISTMAS!!...
At this point I'm like a radioactive mutant fire breathing cat in a crate full of exploding porcupines...
The last thing I remember was the guy from the plumbing department who always smells of smoke and booze-sweat materializing in back of me and asking if I needed help...
Which is really pointless because he only takes you to the place you just said you couldn't find the item and looks for it there...
I don't need glasses, I need an answer...
Anyway...
The next thing I knew I was in a park, sitting on a very broken bench with a lot of unconscious squirrels around me...
My clothes are all stretched out and I'm covered in tinsel.
I also hear a lot of sirens and there is an odd smokey smell in the air...
Curious...
Anyway, I'm gonna have a sandwich and maybe I'll go back later, because aside from this bent up pipe I was chewing on, I apparently forget to buy anything.
So please don't judge those of us who are grinchish too harshly... It's hard to be a greasy cat in a crate of hot buttered porcupines...
Especially when you constantly have to hear 100 cover versions of what amounts to basically six standard song by every celebrity that has ever existed...
Geez... I'm feeling tingly again just thinking of it...
Anyway... I better eat.
Laterz zall.