McGyver
Energetic
I'm sorry for not saying anything until now, but I have a bad habit of wishing people well and them not getting well...
Last year an old family friend got sick... A little cold... That turned into pneumonia, that turned into a long hospital stay, that turned into a funeral...
I kinda felt like each time I wished them well, I just made it worse...
I suppose dressing up in the black robe, skeleton costume and walking in with a scythe didn't help, but it always seemed to cheer up the folks at the senior center, so I figured it was comforting...
Anyway, I'm very glad to hear Lisa is doing better...
I really wanted to say something encouraging and cheerful, but I figured if I did and it killed her, people might be mad at me...
Especially her... I know Lisa is a really nice person, but a lot of people draw the line at you causing them to die...
I'm really hoping Lisa is reading this and chuckling lightly and not thinking "what a macabre SOB...."
I'm not going to write much more, I don't want to say anything that might make Lisa bust a stitch...
I've done that twice to people, but it wasn't from laughter, was from them throwing stuff at me to make me leave... Actually if Lisa is reading this, I should probably stop saying "Lisa" and start saying "you", because talking like you are not here is weird and feels like I'm talking about you behind your back...
Which I assure you, I'd never do...
Mainly because it's really hard to talk behind someone's back without actually sneaking up in back of them...
And that would be a really bad idea, because I just came back from the senior center and you can guess how I'm dressed...
Although I don't have the scythe... It got buried in the snow and all I could find was my wife's pink rake...
Which really seemed to puzzle the old folks.
Anyway... I should wrap this up, I don't want you throwing your laptop or tablet and busting a stitch...
I'm assuming you are reading this on a laptop or tablet and not having this read to you by one of those medical helper monkeys that are all the rage lately...
Granted they are great at getting you a pen, bringing you water or dialing 911, but eventually they will drink all your beer and then there is the feces throwing... And if the feces throwing comes before the pen getting or water bringing, I'm not sure you'll really want the pen or water... But assuming you are reading this yourself and I don't want you tossing the laptop in the trash because I aggravated you.
I hope you get well soon... Too bad there is nothing helpful medically I could share... I've never had heart surgery and any of the other operations I've had have been to remove glass or metal from my flesh, so the best I could do in that department would be to offer advice on how not to be around exploding stuff, which probably isn't really that useful unless your hospital is really bad...
Right now you probably need advice like sleep with a pillow under your arm or eat a pomegranate twice a day... I don't think pomegranates will help you, but that sounds like something people say when they are trying to be helpful and own lots of stock in pomegranate companies...
I'd give you medical advice, but I'm assuming you had a real doctor do the surgery and I'd probably just make stuff up since I'm really terrible at open heart surgery and aftercare... I probably shouldn't explain how I know that...
It's not what you think.
Actually it probably is...
But it turned out just fine.
Mostly.
Actually it didn't, but I was using a great alias so...
Anyway...
Your real doctor probably is giving you lots of real care and useful non pomegranate related advice... Still I wish there was something more I could do...
My father in law has had heart bypass surgery several times... I'm sure it has nothing to do with me marrying his only daughter, and more about narrow arteries and fatty foods, but I decided to go next door... Actually to the "North Wing" which is what we call the part where they built another house attached to ours...
Crazy Hu?
You'd imagine someone having their house sawed in half and towed away to put some distance between me and them, right?
But anyway for some reason they attached one to ours... Right on my office room... Right where I work... Right where everyone in the world walks through because it's like the hub room now....
Anyway...
I went next door to ask what he'd recommend for someone who just had heart surgery, to do...
He was in the bathroom and I had to knock on the door a lot and I think he just wanted some privacy but he either said "don't keep eating fatty pork chops" or he cursed at me in Hindi....
Probably the last one because he doesn't really like pork chops as much as pork ribs and he can't eat those anymore either.
Well, I figure you don't need me to wait outside the bathroom for him to come out, what with you probably having licensed medical professionals attending to those questions and issues.
I'd send you flowers, but with all the snow the other day, my neighbor's garden is buried and I probably wouldn't be able to send you anything good...
There was a dead squirrel in the road the other day and he wasn't too flattened and if I didn't bury him out back, I could of made a cute outfit and posed him on a stand like those adorable "get well" figures they used to sell at the hospital gift shops... I think they are illegal now because they were so tacky, but once upon a time they were considered an important part of the healing process...
I think.
I guess... Teddy bears with cute sayings on their tee shirts kinda replaced them... I suppose I could have just stuffed the squirrel and stapled a get well card to his paws...
I don't know... You might not like that...
The last person I did that for just screamed and keeled over and then all the machines started beeping and alarms went off and I was asked to leave.
There really aren't a lot of hospitals that I'm welcomed at anymore.
I would offer to visit... I think you are in NJ, and that's not far away, but it's one of those states where I'm kinda not welcomed in anymore either... After the incident in Cherry hill, who'd blame them but still it would awkward and I'm not sure you'd appreciate having the authorities storm your room...
You are in a room?
I read about some new age healing center where they do outdoor healing...
Naa, you probably are in one of those indoor hospitals.
That would make sense, especially with the snow.
I'm sure none of this is helping and you are feeling sleepy or tired by now... That probably has nothing to do with the surgery or your condition... It's really a normal part of reading anything I've written... I've been told 12.7% of the people who have read stuff I've written have considered offing themselves about halfway through, so fatigue is really not so bad...
Well... Get rested...
I promise I won't visit, send a bouquet of dead squirrels, make anymore suggestions or write much more...
Please get well soon, you have lots of people wishing you well and cheering for you.
I'm assuming...
That's how it seemed, I didn't do an exact study, but it sure seems like approximately a whole lot.
Plus or minus .00026%...
I calculated that on an abacus... Or one of those wooden busy bead things toddlers play with... So it's probably real accurate, but don't quote me...
Get well... Okay?
Bye.
Last year an old family friend got sick... A little cold... That turned into pneumonia, that turned into a long hospital stay, that turned into a funeral...
I kinda felt like each time I wished them well, I just made it worse...
I suppose dressing up in the black robe, skeleton costume and walking in with a scythe didn't help, but it always seemed to cheer up the folks at the senior center, so I figured it was comforting...
Anyway, I'm very glad to hear Lisa is doing better...
I really wanted to say something encouraging and cheerful, but I figured if I did and it killed her, people might be mad at me...
Especially her... I know Lisa is a really nice person, but a lot of people draw the line at you causing them to die...
I'm really hoping Lisa is reading this and chuckling lightly and not thinking "what a macabre SOB...."
I'm not going to write much more, I don't want to say anything that might make Lisa bust a stitch...
I've done that twice to people, but it wasn't from laughter, was from them throwing stuff at me to make me leave... Actually if Lisa is reading this, I should probably stop saying "Lisa" and start saying "you", because talking like you are not here is weird and feels like I'm talking about you behind your back...
Which I assure you, I'd never do...
Mainly because it's really hard to talk behind someone's back without actually sneaking up in back of them...
And that would be a really bad idea, because I just came back from the senior center and you can guess how I'm dressed...
Although I don't have the scythe... It got buried in the snow and all I could find was my wife's pink rake...
Which really seemed to puzzle the old folks.
Anyway... I should wrap this up, I don't want you throwing your laptop or tablet and busting a stitch...
I'm assuming you are reading this on a laptop or tablet and not having this read to you by one of those medical helper monkeys that are all the rage lately...
Granted they are great at getting you a pen, bringing you water or dialing 911, but eventually they will drink all your beer and then there is the feces throwing... And if the feces throwing comes before the pen getting or water bringing, I'm not sure you'll really want the pen or water... But assuming you are reading this yourself and I don't want you tossing the laptop in the trash because I aggravated you.
I hope you get well soon... Too bad there is nothing helpful medically I could share... I've never had heart surgery and any of the other operations I've had have been to remove glass or metal from my flesh, so the best I could do in that department would be to offer advice on how not to be around exploding stuff, which probably isn't really that useful unless your hospital is really bad...
Right now you probably need advice like sleep with a pillow under your arm or eat a pomegranate twice a day... I don't think pomegranates will help you, but that sounds like something people say when they are trying to be helpful and own lots of stock in pomegranate companies...
I'd give you medical advice, but I'm assuming you had a real doctor do the surgery and I'd probably just make stuff up since I'm really terrible at open heart surgery and aftercare... I probably shouldn't explain how I know that...
It's not what you think.
Actually it probably is...
But it turned out just fine.
Mostly.
Actually it didn't, but I was using a great alias so...
Anyway...
Your real doctor probably is giving you lots of real care and useful non pomegranate related advice... Still I wish there was something more I could do...
My father in law has had heart bypass surgery several times... I'm sure it has nothing to do with me marrying his only daughter, and more about narrow arteries and fatty foods, but I decided to go next door... Actually to the "North Wing" which is what we call the part where they built another house attached to ours...
Crazy Hu?
You'd imagine someone having their house sawed in half and towed away to put some distance between me and them, right?
But anyway for some reason they attached one to ours... Right on my office room... Right where I work... Right where everyone in the world walks through because it's like the hub room now....
Anyway...
I went next door to ask what he'd recommend for someone who just had heart surgery, to do...
He was in the bathroom and I had to knock on the door a lot and I think he just wanted some privacy but he either said "don't keep eating fatty pork chops" or he cursed at me in Hindi....
Probably the last one because he doesn't really like pork chops as much as pork ribs and he can't eat those anymore either.
Well, I figure you don't need me to wait outside the bathroom for him to come out, what with you probably having licensed medical professionals attending to those questions and issues.
I'd send you flowers, but with all the snow the other day, my neighbor's garden is buried and I probably wouldn't be able to send you anything good...
There was a dead squirrel in the road the other day and he wasn't too flattened and if I didn't bury him out back, I could of made a cute outfit and posed him on a stand like those adorable "get well" figures they used to sell at the hospital gift shops... I think they are illegal now because they were so tacky, but once upon a time they were considered an important part of the healing process...
I think.
I guess... Teddy bears with cute sayings on their tee shirts kinda replaced them... I suppose I could have just stuffed the squirrel and stapled a get well card to his paws...
I don't know... You might not like that...
The last person I did that for just screamed and keeled over and then all the machines started beeping and alarms went off and I was asked to leave.
There really aren't a lot of hospitals that I'm welcomed at anymore.
I would offer to visit... I think you are in NJ, and that's not far away, but it's one of those states where I'm kinda not welcomed in anymore either... After the incident in Cherry hill, who'd blame them but still it would awkward and I'm not sure you'd appreciate having the authorities storm your room...
You are in a room?
I read about some new age healing center where they do outdoor healing...
Naa, you probably are in one of those indoor hospitals.
That would make sense, especially with the snow.
I'm sure none of this is helping and you are feeling sleepy or tired by now... That probably has nothing to do with the surgery or your condition... It's really a normal part of reading anything I've written... I've been told 12.7% of the people who have read stuff I've written have considered offing themselves about halfway through, so fatigue is really not so bad...
Well... Get rested...
I promise I won't visit, send a bouquet of dead squirrels, make anymore suggestions or write much more...
Please get well soon, you have lots of people wishing you well and cheering for you.
I'm assuming...
That's how it seemed, I didn't do an exact study, but it sure seems like approximately a whole lot.
Plus or minus .00026%...
I calculated that on an abacus... Or one of those wooden busy bead things toddlers play with... So it's probably real accurate, but don't quote me...
Get well... Okay?
Bye.
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